Around and Around We Go!

Whatever! Sweetheart Samantha said to Ruby Lovegirl.

So what? Ruby said back. I like him, you know! He's funny and intelligently arousing when he touches himself to the rhythm of the music!

So go ask him out! Samantha screamed at Ruby.

Ruby sauntered over to Godo. He was stunning. She put her hand on his bicep and screamed. The next thing you know, Godo was making out with her! All happened so fast! Everyone was watching!

There was a newsflash in the local paper: local man eats woman out and loves it!

Every day, there was a new newsflash! Local woman sucks cock and spits than swallows after a lot of stern talking from the other man!

Then, there was a real shocker: Local man eats pussy too hard and finds something wrong with it: She has herpes!

No way! Samantha screamed at Ruby who was bawling.

No way! Ruby screamed back.

No way! Godo's younger brother Kiddo said to them.

Then the four of them looked on. When they looked on, Godo came back with his test results!

Positive for herpes of the throat and genitals!

Sincerely, Ruby apologized. One time when she was at Food Situations Anonymous, she had sex with a man without checking his genitalia first. When she woke up a few mornings later, she had broken out all over her genitals. When she thought about that morning, she cried hard each time it didn't happen the way she wanted it to happen.

Whatever, Ruby, Samantha said to Ruby. They all four walked home. When they got to Samantha's house, it was time for s'mores!

What a romp! Mystic #3 said to Mystic #4. When they got done philosophizing over something else entirely, the third mystic in the group stopped talking and started making weird noises. They called an ambulance, as this was abnormal mystic behavior.

When they cleaned up the mess, there was something amiss! A piece of plastic left on the counter. It looked like it contained a one month prescription to Adderall! Ruby looked on. She didn't want them to know it was hers.

Ruby, is that your Adderall you left behind? Samantha yelled over the sound of the mystics talking to the cops.

No way! No way! No way!

MINE! Samantha grabbed it and took three. When the police had left the building, she removed her clothes to see if she was skinny yet.

The four of them walked to the store to buy cantaloupe. When they got back, each piece of cantaloupe in the package had a small piece of yarn on it. When they looked closely, they wondered how that could have happened.

No one know. This mystery haunted them for a long time later. At the end of a particularly gruesome haunting, everyone was left baffled by another ball of yarn at a saw mill a day after the last of the pieces of yarn were collected from the cantaloupe. On and on it went. Everywhere you look, in every paper, yarn mystery was on the cover. When they finally got to the bottom of the problem, they didn't want to tell anyone that it was that mysterious young fellow Kiddo, he was always so nice on the surface but so two-faced underneath. When they got home from another day of band practice, they found wire utensils in all of the drawers instead of napkins. When Kiddo didn't finally fess up, they forced it out of him by slowly tearing holes in all four of his internal organs over and over again until he bled to death. This story didn't make the papers.

Climate Change Deniers: Repent or Perish!

Time for a bath!

What?

Time for a bath!

What? Time for a bath in the raging fire of hell!

Why?

You left out the soap. Take it in with you and remove your mind from the scenario.

What does that mean?

You are dirty, your mind is foul, and you are a heathen. Your blatant disregard for the Earth plane is a crying shame. Now, repent, or take a bath!

The oceans rose, and enveloped the entire planet. Al Gore was there. He looked on. He knew this would happen. Now, it was happening. Now, they had no choice but to bathe in the fire.

Where is the fire? Al asked.

Rachel replied, in the sink. I will show you.

They got on a boat. They sailed across the ocean to the Anarctic. There was dry land. On the shore, Rachel found the soap. They played catch with the soap, before returning to the ocean for a bath.

Where do we find the rhythm and harmony to collide peacefully with the survivors? I asked Al.

Nowhere. We are done for too. I told you this would happen.

But I always knew! I was always plagued by nightmares of this happening! Now it is happening! Why didn't we do something?

We did, but it wasn't enough. The climate change deniers kept egging on the random folk to make them think I was in it for the money.

I know! I watched! I was breathless!

I saw you too, and I knew that. Now it is time for a bath!

NOT A BATH!

Yes, a bath. Let's scrape clean the wild people off your backside.

I turned over, and there were wild people all over my backside, like he said! They were mean money grubby climate change deniers. They looked mad.

Why are they mad? I asked. They got what they wanted!

They don't like the outcome. They didn't know it would come on so quickly!

I liked what he was saying, but I looked on in horror. There was a bird shaped envelope in front of me. God had a memo!

DON'T WATCH! RUN!

We ran. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. We walked to the back of a fire engine and got on board. When we were done, the planet had crumbled into nothing. We were floating in the air. Soon, a bird arrived to tell us our fate.

YOU WILL DIE!

I died first, he died last.

Danny Elfman: The Wonder Man

I would like to take a minute to talk about my favorite music artist, Danny Elfman!

Danny Elfman is very intelligent when it comes to music. He writes music and it sounds heavenly. Except, usually it doesn't sound heavenly. It usually sounds whimsical or mysterious.

One day, a long time ago, I was listening to the South Park soundtrack! I was listening, and I decided I liked musicals. When I got home from Innercept, I was looking for the Cats soundtrack when I found the Nightmare before Christmas soundtrack instead. I decided to take it for a listen. I went upstairs to my room and loaded the soundtrack into iTunes. When I did so, I was impressed with this man Danny Elfman. I was taken aback by how wonderful the music sounded! I looked him up on wikipedia, and I found out he wrote the theme song for Simpsons too! Wow! The best song ever!

We in the spirit world know these kinds of songs. There are certain types of songs that evoke hard to reach emotions, and there is no Earth word to describe that kind of song! They are hard to write! Very hard! But Danny Elfman wrote the best one ever in the Simpsons theme song. It is the hardest to reach emotion of any song! There are others, like the Candy man song, which I hate. There is the song about how loving you is easy because you're beautiful. There is that song So Happy Together. There are quite a few Christmas songs, which evoke hard to reach emotions. Greensleeves is another. There are many more! They are hard to write! Danny Elfman wrote the best song ever for the Simpsons theme!

I was so taken aback by Danny Elfman's whimsical music, that I developed a crush cord to him. When I got a little bit older, I decided I was in love with Danny Elfman! I liked him in that way! But now I don't care anymore.

I got into his band, Oingo Boingo. It's a good band! There are some good songs. My favorite songs are Insanity, Change, Grey Matter, Stay, Weird Science, Controller, Imposter, and Sweat. My favorite song is Insanity of them all. It is a good song for thinking of things to come!

When I get a little bit older, I will meet Danny Elfman. I will tell him I am his best fan, not his biggest, because big is a good word to describe freaks. After that, I will tell him why I like him. Because his mind is crazy smart!

Helicopter Clientelle

So that's how I made it happen! I yelled to the guidance counselor.

She blinked. And then she scowled. And wrote a note on a piece of paper.

I left, feeling elated. Then, my dog walked in the building. He was lost.

Oh no, not this again! I yelled.

My best friend Samantha was there in spirit. She looked at me in the face and screamed my name. All around me, the crowds were circling. Friends not at all. They watched from a distance as my friend Samantha ate a piece of cheese in front of my face and screamed obscenities at me for not asking the guidance counselor how many credits I could make due with.

I left her beside herself, whisked her away with the flick of my wrist. My dog was looking for me. He looked lost. I touched him and he disappeared. Not again! Not again!

Rachel, wake up! my dad screamed in my face.

I looked up at him. He was dead to me. I could tell he was waiting for me to wake up. He wanted nicotine gum. I screamed obscenities and went to the safe and got him some. Afterwards, he chewed loudly. Sat in the corner and chewed. I watched him. He had a knowing smirk on his face. Like he knew my secret. I chewed a piece and stared back. We both chewed loudly, trying to outdo each other. Than, the cat puked right in front of us. Puked its guts out.

I got up and told him to leave. He left and went to ask a question about me from his guides. He knew little about talking to guides, so he just asked his hand. His hand told him no. I didn't hear the question.

It was time for school. I looked in the mirror. My face looked ugly. I needed makeup. If I wore makeup, I would be a drop dead gorgeous babe! But there was never enough makeup to cover the dark circles. Never enough. If only I had some other mechanism to cover them up.

At school, a boy asked my hand in marriage. I told him maybe. I would think about it. After I thought for three days, I looked at the future and it said he would end up dying of a disease before his time. I politely declined his invitation, giving him a message from my guides to get over his weird obsession.

I left school that day feeling flabbergasted. When I got home, my dad was eating a sandwich. He looked at me and screamed. He was in an altered state. I yelled at him, "ARE YOU ON DRUGS!?"

He looked taken aback. "NO!!!" he screamed at the top of his lungs.

I looked at his demeaner, the weird mix of vegetables on the sandwich, and thought he was lying but didn't say so. He did this from time to time.

I went upstairs into my bedroom to do something else. He was watching television downstairs. I could hear him talking to himself about me. He didn't say anything mean, but it was all blatantly inaccurate so I went down to set him straight. When I looked at his eyes I saw the fear, and told him it was okay. Don't talk to those guides anymore. They are wrong.

He was happy to be prepared for the next meeting, and went upstairs and met with a former colleague. He was working on an article for the newspaper. When he got upstairs, all the math in his mind fell out. He was looking all over the floor and he couldn't find any more of the math he had left in his mind before it fell out.

The cats gathered, and started eating the math. When they were done eating, they were smarter than he was. They started speaking to him about quantum mechanics and they outdid him with logic! He looked baffled and asked the cats a question about hairballs. The cats looked taken aback, put in their place, and left without making a sound. One cat stayed behind. It was his favorite. It told him a joke about Rachel needing more prescription pot to help her mind problem. He laughed and patted him on the head. When he did so, he stole the math back and put it back in his own mind to continue working.

Rachel sat in her room and pondered. Then, the doorbell rang. It was Matthew Mason. He looked taken aback by her ragged appearance, and tried to kiss her. She tried to get him away. His hands were everywhere!

AHHH!!! Rachel was running around screaming until she woke up from another bad dream. She was surrounded by ghosts. The ghosts looked at her and screamed obscenities about her ragged looking eyebrows. She looked back and fainted.

When she came to, her mom was there. She had soup. Rachel was sick. She wanted to feed her with a spoon. Rachel wanted to feed herself. When Rachel told her mom that, she looked downtrodden. She looked at Rachel and held up the spoon of soup. Rachel did not eat. She slurped her own mind food out of a can and outdid her mother with mathematical genius.

The next day at school, Matthew was there handing out gift certificates for a brainwash session. Rachel wanted one! He offered one to Rachel, and gave her a free certificate for unlimited sexual massages. She wanted none of these! She gave them back! He handed her an extra brainwash ticket and told her to be at his house at 5.

The next day, Rachel woke up. She was awake. She knew it! Her dad was in the other room reading. She told him she had had a bad dream.

The bad dream was about a mouse. He was ugly. When he ate cheese, he always frowned. Whenever the cheese tasted bitter, he ate less. When he got ugly and frowned, the mouse next door wouldn't speak to him. Then, he ate little cheese and drank little wine and grew little in the mind. His spiritual growth went down hill and he died inside. When he woke from his bad dream, the mouse spoke little of any language and could not communicate. All the other mice laughed at him in unison. Their unisonic laughter echoed and the mice chirped happily when he cried. This went on for all of eternity until hell collapsed and devoured everyone. Everyone was in unimaginable misery until the end of time.

When Rachel told him this story, he frowned and cried. He hated dream interpretation. He told her to take a bubble bath and leave it alone.

The next day, she looked at her body in the mirror again. It was bad. She never stopped touching her body to see how skinny she was. She never stopped until someone made her. The person was Matthew Mason. He said stop touching, I will never stop touching myself if you never stop touching. After that, Rachel never touched her body again.

Dude and Dude Alike!

How about a back rub? I asked my friend Randy.

How about a piece of paper to write down those ideas? He listened intently to what I had to say. He made out with his hand while talking to me. I watched his tongue move. It moved like a party dance.

I scared him off with a story of my past. He was mad. He looked up from the rhythm of his toes to work on my face. He looked at my face and worked his mind so hard his brow furrowed. I got worried and touched the furrowed brow. It removed from his face and danced on top of the ceiling.

Shit woman, what are you taking?! He screamed at me. Meanwhile, I was rhythmically hypnotized by the movements of his mouth. They formed syllables, like a pencil would form letters. I asked him to repeat a word many times because I liked the way it looked.

Silhouette, how did that taste? Did the word taste good? Can I have a taste? I asked Randy. He looked enticed, but mad at the same time.

Don't go there Rachel, I need you clean and sober for tomorrow! Don't go there!

I tasted the word in his mouth. It tasted like candy. Chocolate chip marshmallow swirl. I ate the word and savored it in my mouth until I started heaving like I was going to blow chunks. Randy touched me on the boob. I looked at him and smiled. I dry heaved and vomited not at all, got a second wind and made out with him again.

We stared at each other in the eyes and then looked down. He looked at my blouse. It was pretty with cotton suds of wax all over the sides. He touched my boob and smiled again. I laughed.

NO! I screamed. NO! I screamed again. And NO! I don't want that anymore! Not anymore! Not anymore! Not that! Stop! It hurts the side of the unicorn horn!

What?

I lived there with you, remember? The castle? We lived there together?

Oh boy... Rachel, you are not good on shrooms. Don't act dumb. Please. My parents are coming tomorrow!

I listened hard and listened good. When I was done listening, I asked him to say something again so I could demonstrate my good listening abilities. He said my name over and over again. I listened again and said nothing.

Now Rachel, don't freak out. I'm going to show you something and I want you to touch it, okay?

I looked at him in the face. He bled! He bled from every pore! I touched the blood. Smelled it. Caressed it with my finger. And then blew it in the wind.

Okay, sweetie. What do you want me to touch?

We smiled at each other. There was something wrong with something on his face. It looked wrong. I talked to it to make it feel all right again. Every word I spoke fell flat. Each time I said something, he looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. It became a really awesome shrugging game, seeing how many times I could get him to shrug his shoulders. I watched the outline of his face pronounce my name again, but I wasn't listening. I couldn't hear him anymore. There was a noise outside the room and in waltzed another handsome strapping fellow.

Hi Ryan! What up? Randy said. His words spoke out loud again like they usually did. I coughed and spit. Venom of a sexual sort. I watched as he worked up the courage to ask me how I was.

Why? I asked Ryan.

He looked at me, sexualizing me existence. He talked out loud and spoke thoroughly, and each word bounced off the ceiling and into my throat. I began coughing. Each cough sounded like a hiccup to my other ear, but to the first ear it sounded hoarse. I was sick.

Don't do that again, Rachel! Randy screamed. I was touching his face again. I moved my hand to touch his penis instead.

Like that better? I smiled at my own intelligence. He smiled a half hearted smile and went back to ruminating on the past.

I choked and vomited on his shoulder. He looked happy. I looked down at the vomit. It was invisible. He looked at my face and scanned it for a happy facial expression. None found. Mission aborted.

I got up to take a piss. On the way to the bathroom, I got lost. I looked up and down, but not around. I couldn't find my way to the restroom. I looked inside my hand for a solution. There was a picture there of me and someone else. I didn't know who it was. I wanted to ask my mind, who is this a picture of? But no one was home. I went back to the room without pissing.

On the way in the door, I got Ryan giving Randy a handshake. I wondered why they were shaking hands. It was not customary at this point in time. I asked Randy to give me a handshake. He looked at me funny and smiled secretively to Ryan. They both chuckled. I didn't know why.

Why? That's what I asked both of them when they were done swallowing their food. Why? They screamed at me with their mouths open but I couldn't hear them anymore. They looked like food to me. I couldn't eat them though. They would get mad.

At the end of the night, I was alone. Cold and lonely in the middle of the street, screaming about how it wasn't my fault. They stared at me out the window and asked me to grab a cab. We would talk about it later. I wandered the streets for a long time and met no one. It was the end of the line.

I found a ditch and played dead, until morning came. When morning came, someone was looking at me with funny facial features. It was my dad. He wanted to know why. I told him why.

Because I wanted to. That's why.

Martyrdom Composed Harmoniously Without Sound

But how? said my dad.

What?! I screamed. We were waiting at the market for a fish taco. When all was said and done, we left.

I left first, he left last. Together, we both left twice. When we got home, I ran to the bathroom. Time to urinate frequently enough to entice my bladder with envy.

What's that? said a voice behind me. It was Mischief. She wanted to play.

NOT NOW! I screamed, and vomited all over the password to my computer.

Where now? I asked my mind. The cough syrup was in my system. I wanted to ruminate and decide on many a thing, but first, Mister Friend Time came out of the closet and bamboozled me with more games and merry things.

Time for a shower! My mother crooned through the back door, but her heart wasn't in it. I asked her what happened to it? She looked at me and sighed, told a tale of a long lost love gone foul, and moaned about it for an hour or so before I vomited again all over her blouse. When I was done, she thanked me for a good supper and went outside to iron the shower curtain I had bent out of shape.

Who's this? My dad asked me through the window. He was mowing the lawn. He looked pale. I asked him to stop using so much sun block, and he scowled and cried. I comforted him with a song and he made out with my mother for an hour in back of the shed. I watched and cried a tear of love gone awry, then went outside again to remove myself from the madness going on in my mind.

Time for a walk! My friend Penelope sang out from up above. I wandered awhile, amiss with gratitude for the masterful idea of love she gave me in my mind. I watched the sky turn gray, then cried out for the sun to envelope me again with pleasure.

At the energy drink store, I decided to try something new. I bought a new flavor of breath mint and spewed tales to my friends there. One of them laughed, the other sniffled, the next scowled and then went up to heaven without looking because he was about ready to die already and the story pushed him over the last place he had been in his mind near death.

On the way back, I slipped and fell. When I got to the bottom of the puddle, I couldn't find my way back to the top. When I made it there, I found out I didn't really make it out because my dad told me so. They were in the car. Time for a visit to Grandma-ma-ma, fa-la-la-la, diddly deedly da.

When we arrived at the hospital, the lady in red was waiting. What have we here? The man in black said.

Ritalin in, Ritalin out. She made it out of the puddle alright, but her mind is still out the door!

The probed me with needles until I made out with a man in the waiting room, who was visiting his mom who slipped and fell in the shower and broke her face. With her face broke, she couldn't ask questions of a fucking mean nature anymore, good riddance. I asked him if he missed her. He told me yes, but at the same time he would rather see her full of needles than happy in her place of worship.

I looked past the stars and the sky, until I got to the end of the story line in my mind. When I was finished, a girl asked me if I was blessed. I told her once I was, but the needles took it away. She pretended not to hear me and ate a sandwich loudly. I screamed loud enough for her to hear, but she didn't hear. I screamed again. And again. And again.

When I awoke from the nightmare, I was surrounded by elves. They danced in circles and waited for an answer. What is the answer? they asked me over and over again.

I did not know. I cried and shriveled into a ball. They danced some more and asked again. I still didn't know. I cried again. They danced and laughed and hurt each other with knives until they all bled. They bled so much I couldn't stand it. I tried to wake myself from this bad dream but I couldn't. The narcotics were too strong.

When I awoke, I was mad. Mad at the doctors. Mad at my dad. Mad at my mother the most. But in the end, it was okay. You didn't die. Your reacted powerfully to the medication and survived without insinuating that there was anything wrong with what we did to you. That's good. That's fine.

Then, I was okay inside, but filled with venom for all that had happened. I wanted to write books. Sing songs. Dance in front of the judges at the hospital for making it all up. They were the bad guys.

But I didn't. Instead, I stayed true to myself and sat back and listened to my mom. She told me over and over again. Die little, die less. Die more, die yes. If you make it out of this rat hole, don't listen to your parents ever again. We failed you once, failed you twice, without a doubt, the happiness is nice. But when you die again, don't wither. I'm watching you, Rachel. I'm watching you.

I lived again, and that's the end.

Post Traumatic Dancing Disorder

This is good, my dad said, looking at the steak.

Why? I asked, befuddled by his gluttonousness.

I stared as he ate the steak in large mouthfuls. I stared as he fixed himself a slice of cake afterwards. And I stared as he went over to the TV and watched television, looking satisfied.

I went to the kitchen for my dinner. There was half a tomato and a piece of lettuce. I ate this and went upstairs to cut myself on the piece of mirror I found in my dad's arm chair.

I cut, then stopped. I was sick of this lifestyle. Did I really want to be thin? No. I didn't care. I just wanted someone to care about me. Everywhere I looked, girls my age had boyfriends. I had Mark. I looked up and he was not sitting next to me. I sighed and went back to the kitchen for an after dinner snack, as I was still hungry as hell. I had not forgotten about cutting. I planned on doing that later.

In the kitchen, I found a piece of steak. I stared at it hard. I was so hungry. I looked at myself in the mirror hanging by the fridge. I didn't look skinny, no. But skinnier than I had a couple months ago, yes. I stared at my fat stomach and cringes. God. I couldn't believe I used to be okay looking like that!

I put the steak back in the fridge. God I was hungry. God I wanted to eat it. But no. I was too fat. I found something in the back of the fridge. A half-eaten slice of tomato pudding. I did not understand who would eat tomato pudding. That was so fattening.

WHO THE FUCK MADE THIS TOMATO PUDDING?! I screamed.

My dad was watching Television. He knew I was on a diet. Didn't care. Teenage girl stuff. He looked up from the television and stared dumbfounded at me.

Why are you yelling? I made it last night and ate it already, except for one part for you!

I was fuming. WHY?! I HATE IT!!! IT'S SO FATTENING!!!

Laura, why are you yelling? I thought you liked tomato pudding!

I sat down, steadied myself, and calmed myself down. I touched my wrist bone. It jutted out a little bit farther than I remembered. I smiled a slight smile and sat back. "No. I don't eat that anymore. Throw it out!"

He looked at me dumbfounded, sat back, and scowled. Laura, what's with you? I'm worried about you! You are taking the diet way too far. I think we need to take you to the doctor to straighten out your body image issues. You look fine. I know I'm not one to talk, but you look good. I know. I'm a man.

Laura was dumbfounded and grossed out, but understood that he wasn't coming on to her so she decided to let it slide. She stood up and shrieked.

WHY DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?! THIS IS NOT WHO I AM ANYMORE!! I'M NOT YOUR DAUGHTER! I WANT OUT OF THIS HOUSE!

He looked at her and died inside. Her daughter wanted out of the house. He started to hold back a tear, realizing this was teenage angst. He thought long and hard about the best way to handle this. Ice cream was out. That's what his dad always did.

How about a shopping trip? He asked her.

She looked at him and screamed. "I'M TOO FAT TO BUY NEW CLOTHES!!!" she shrieked.

I know, I know, I know. Oh boy, Sweetie? Danielle? Can you bring out some Ativan for Laura please?

I DON'T WANT ATIVAN IT SLOWS DOWN THE METABOLISM!!

Her mom walked out from the other room. "Laura sweetie, how about a back rub?"

NO!!! I WANT OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!

How about a bubble bath?

NO!!! I HATE BATHS!!! THEY MAKE YOU THINK TOO MUCH!!!

Time for a psychiatry appointment, Danielle said.

Laura was driven to the psychiatrist's office the next day, where she was pumped full of narcotics and given a prescription for Seroquel and Depakote to combat depression and anxiety. She gained 40 pounds and lost even more self-esteem. When she turned 18, the medication caused something like a manic episode due to unforeseen side effects and she was sent to live at Adderall Center for Medication related illnesses. She learned that all side effects to medications could be treated by abstinence from drugs. When she turned 22, she was given a prescription for Ativan and turned to suicide over and over again to calm the pain of rejection from man after man after she gained another 20 pounds from the antipsychotics. When she got a little older, her parents put her in a permanent stay hospital because she wasn't getting any better. She was visited by three angels during the night, giving her hope that she was on a quest and she was going to help stop the world from prescribing antipsychotics. When her guides entered the picture, they told her real name was Esmerelda and that's what they called her all the time behind her back. She was mad but got better when they rewired her brain to be more sarcastic and witty and beat the hell out of her parents in a custody war over the custody of her only child who lived with them and was force fed narcotics in his morning cereal. After she won the case, she lived a long and prosperous life giving speeches and performing miraculous mental scans of people's energy bodies, discovering unusual ailments and treating them with magic random pranks. When she got old enough to look back on her life, she was disappointed. Not because she had done a poor job living life to the fullest, but because for so many years she had neglected to shave her legs and so given the opportunity, she wouldn't have been able to have sex with a guy and have him enjoy it. When she came to this realization, her legs started sweating profusely from an altered sweat gland condition and she died suddenly. Her body was donated to science.