So I just woke up from this really weird dream.
So it started out where I was in my room trying to sleep, and my dad comes in to tell me I need to sleep downstairs because I am making too much noise. I couldn't speak. I tried to tell my dad I wasn't making any noise, but my vocal cords didn't work. I got up, flew around the room, and slipped under the bed. My dad came in the room, I held out my hand from under the bed and he pulled me out.
I went outside to do what I do normally in lucid dreams for some reason, and that is be a prostitute. So I was walking down the street in my underwear, waiting for some car to pull over. A bunch of cars passed, and then one pulled over. I was worried though, because the voice coming from the car sounded elderly and female.
I got in, and it was grandmother!!! That woman I had that dream about in 8th grade!!! So I was talking to grandmother, and I asked her about which past lifetimes we were together in. She said she didn't know, but the invisible spirits knew. We could ask them some day. Then, there were some weird little creatures sitting next to us, talking about Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory.
We drove back to my house. As we got out of the car, there were a whole bunch of people gathered there staring in the house. I looked in the house, and I gasped, because it was so beautiful and sparkly. And then suddenly, I floated upwards. And I floated over to the place where everyone's attention was. And my boobs started tingling, and I started breathing heavily, and there were some little creatures talking about gum balls, and I thought it was going to be like in the movie Willy Wonka where the girl blows up. But I didn't blow up, everyone was staring at me as I was floating there feeling fat and breathing heavily.
Saturday, August 24, 2013
Saturday, August 17, 2013
The Wisdom of the Dream People
This entry is brought to you by the year 2011.
Dreams are important and can hold important information. You've probably heard that dreams have meaning, and that you should interpret them to find the meaning. But the most important messages that come in the form of dreams need no interpretation: they are directly stated to you, in plain English.
One time in eighth grade I decided that I was too heavy and that I was going on a diet. So I severely restricted my diet. While I wasn't quite anorexic, I ate much less than what would be considered healthy for weight loss. Then one night, I had this dream. There was this oldish lady, and she was looking at me very sadly. I said, "Grandmother, what's wrong with me?" She didn't look like either of my grandmothers but that's what I called her. She said, "your age." I was too young. "What else?" And she continued to look at me very sadly, and after a few moments of silence she said, "what you ate yesterday." I wasn't eating enough. We hugged, a very large hug. And then I was lying awake in bed, thinking about how weird that was. I didn't believe in spirits at this time, but I thought this might be an important message.
But I didn't follow her advice, I continued on my diet. After three weeks of being hungry all the time, I quit. Trouble was, that wasn't the end. Even after I started eating more, I still felt different: lower, depressed, and obsessed with food. I didn't enjoy anything besides eating and sleeping. Later I discovered that stimulants were the answer to this problem (yes, drugs were the answer), but I can't help feeling that I should have followed the dream lady's advice and eaten more, and maybe I wouldn't feel like I have to be on drugs all the time, because I still feel that way to this day, and that was ten years ago.
The night before last, the spirits again came to me in a dream. I was having nightmare, but I don't remember what it was about, because even as this dream was unfolding it was rapidly slipping away from me. Then it occurred to me that this was a dream, which was a rare and remarkable thing, because I usually only have lucid dreams upon falling back asleep after being awake for awhile during the night, or after something really weird happens in my dream. Something like, say, I'm standing in the bathroom, and a girl comes in with a knife and starts hacking away at my brains (that happened a few nights ago). So I realized it was a dream, and I asked why I was having this nightmare. Then the spirits were there. They told me I needed to leave Innercept, I had been at Innercept too long. I asked them to elaborate, they said it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that I had come to Innercept, or even that I had been in the first part of the program for so long, but that I had spent too much time at the hospital and in intensive transition, the place I'm at now. I knew these places were expensive so the first thing that occurred to me was that this was about money, so I asked if that's what it was about. They didn't answer. Then I realized, "Hey, I'm talking to the spirits!" I asked if my book was going to published. At this point I was surrounded by several girls, or young women I guess. One of them asked me if I could handle it if it wasn't published. I said I didn't know. They all laughed. Then they all said, "yes, it will be published." Each and every one of them told me this individually.
Dreams are important and can hold important information. You've probably heard that dreams have meaning, and that you should interpret them to find the meaning. But the most important messages that come in the form of dreams need no interpretation: they are directly stated to you, in plain English.
One time in eighth grade I decided that I was too heavy and that I was going on a diet. So I severely restricted my diet. While I wasn't quite anorexic, I ate much less than what would be considered healthy for weight loss. Then one night, I had this dream. There was this oldish lady, and she was looking at me very sadly. I said, "Grandmother, what's wrong with me?" She didn't look like either of my grandmothers but that's what I called her. She said, "your age." I was too young. "What else?" And she continued to look at me very sadly, and after a few moments of silence she said, "what you ate yesterday." I wasn't eating enough. We hugged, a very large hug. And then I was lying awake in bed, thinking about how weird that was. I didn't believe in spirits at this time, but I thought this might be an important message.
But I didn't follow her advice, I continued on my diet. After three weeks of being hungry all the time, I quit. Trouble was, that wasn't the end. Even after I started eating more, I still felt different: lower, depressed, and obsessed with food. I didn't enjoy anything besides eating and sleeping. Later I discovered that stimulants were the answer to this problem (yes, drugs were the answer), but I can't help feeling that I should have followed the dream lady's advice and eaten more, and maybe I wouldn't feel like I have to be on drugs all the time, because I still feel that way to this day, and that was ten years ago.
The night before last, the spirits again came to me in a dream. I was having nightmare, but I don't remember what it was about, because even as this dream was unfolding it was rapidly slipping away from me. Then it occurred to me that this was a dream, which was a rare and remarkable thing, because I usually only have lucid dreams upon falling back asleep after being awake for awhile during the night, or after something really weird happens in my dream. Something like, say, I'm standing in the bathroom, and a girl comes in with a knife and starts hacking away at my brains (that happened a few nights ago). So I realized it was a dream, and I asked why I was having this nightmare. Then the spirits were there. They told me I needed to leave Innercept, I had been at Innercept too long. I asked them to elaborate, they said it wasn't necessarily a bad thing that I had come to Innercept, or even that I had been in the first part of the program for so long, but that I had spent too much time at the hospital and in intensive transition, the place I'm at now. I knew these places were expensive so the first thing that occurred to me was that this was about money, so I asked if that's what it was about. They didn't answer. Then I realized, "Hey, I'm talking to the spirits!" I asked if my book was going to published. At this point I was surrounded by several girls, or young women I guess. One of them asked me if I could handle it if it wasn't published. I said I didn't know. They all laughed. Then they all said, "yes, it will be published." Each and every one of them told me this individually.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Undrugged, Naked Ramblings
So I would like to take a moment to discuss where free will lies.
Free will lies deep in the thought.
When you make decisions regarding actions, you choose between two options at a time. You pick the option which you think will bring you the most pleasure.
Then, there's the matter of instant gratification versus long term well-being.
Complex questions require creative solutions, which require your brain to think off the beaten path.
Which requires thinking where there is more of a cognitive leap between concepts. Because thinking on the beaten path is easy. You have to think off the beaten path, think of not so closely related simply associated concepts.
In order to do so, you have to delay gratification. Because there is more space between thoughts, it requires a greater push and longer period with gratification, when you are moving from thought to thought. Because thoughts in themselves are gratifying.
So basically, your ability to think creatively comes down to your soul's ability to delay gratification.
Does thinking in itself bring pleasure? Yes, thinking brings pleasure, because if you didn't you wouldn't do it.
So what free will comes down to is, the choice between thoughts of equal pleasure value. So you get gratification from thoughts.
This is how I philosophize when I can't concentrate. For the love of God someone give me some Adderall.
Free will lies deep in the thought.
When you make decisions regarding actions, you choose between two options at a time. You pick the option which you think will bring you the most pleasure.
Then, there's the matter of instant gratification versus long term well-being.
Complex questions require creative solutions, which require your brain to think off the beaten path.
Which requires thinking where there is more of a cognitive leap between concepts. Because thinking on the beaten path is easy. You have to think off the beaten path, think of not so closely related simply associated concepts.
In order to do so, you have to delay gratification. Because there is more space between thoughts, it requires a greater push and longer period with gratification, when you are moving from thought to thought. Because thoughts in themselves are gratifying.
So basically, your ability to think creatively comes down to your soul's ability to delay gratification.
Does thinking in itself bring pleasure? Yes, thinking brings pleasure, because if you didn't you wouldn't do it.
So what free will comes down to is, the choice between thoughts of equal pleasure value. So you get gratification from thoughts.
This is how I philosophize when I can't concentrate. For the love of God someone give me some Adderall.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Innercept: A Culture of Rule-Breaking
So I would like to take a moment to blame Innercept for my problems.
My parents complain to me, hey, Rachel! You steal from us now! You lie to us!
I think this is the fault of Innercept. My parents clearly don't know what it's like to be at Innercept. When you are at Innercept, you are immersed in the rich Innercept culture.
What happens is, they have so many fucking stupid rules. Oh, you can only eat one piece of fruit between meals. All this really strict crap about serving sizes so you are hungry all the time. Oh, you have to have people peaking at you at night and maintain a strict curfew of 10 pm. You can't go to the gym for too much time per day.
So, what every resident inevitable does is say, fuck it! Fuck these rules! I will break any rule that doesn't suit me! So you are sneaking money, you are going behind Innercept's back, you are doing anything you possibly can to get around all these stupid fucking rules of these stupid fucking control freaks at Innercept.
For some residents, it becomes like a contest. How many rules can you break? What can you get away with?
So I come home from Innercept, and I am still in the Innercept mindset. Hey, what can I get away with at home? It's subconscious. On top of that is the anger, the anger that my parents put me in this place for four and a half years, which was supposed to do fucking something, instead the first thing I do immediately after I come out is GO DELUSIONAL AGAIN!!!!
And then I find out this drug I've been on Depakote is responsible for my hair loss and lack of creative thinking. They didn't inform me of all the side effects. If I knew it made your hair fall out, I would have been like, NO FUCKING WAY AM I TAKING THAT SHIT!!!
I actually started to go delusional again when I was still at Innercept, while I was still on all the drugs.
So I blame all my bad actions on the Innercept culture.
My parents complain to me, hey, Rachel! You steal from us now! You lie to us!
I think this is the fault of Innercept. My parents clearly don't know what it's like to be at Innercept. When you are at Innercept, you are immersed in the rich Innercept culture.
What happens is, they have so many fucking stupid rules. Oh, you can only eat one piece of fruit between meals. All this really strict crap about serving sizes so you are hungry all the time. Oh, you have to have people peaking at you at night and maintain a strict curfew of 10 pm. You can't go to the gym for too much time per day.
So, what every resident inevitable does is say, fuck it! Fuck these rules! I will break any rule that doesn't suit me! So you are sneaking money, you are going behind Innercept's back, you are doing anything you possibly can to get around all these stupid fucking rules of these stupid fucking control freaks at Innercept.
For some residents, it becomes like a contest. How many rules can you break? What can you get away with?
So I come home from Innercept, and I am still in the Innercept mindset. Hey, what can I get away with at home? It's subconscious. On top of that is the anger, the anger that my parents put me in this place for four and a half years, which was supposed to do fucking something, instead the first thing I do immediately after I come out is GO DELUSIONAL AGAIN!!!!
And then I find out this drug I've been on Depakote is responsible for my hair loss and lack of creative thinking. They didn't inform me of all the side effects. If I knew it made your hair fall out, I would have been like, NO FUCKING WAY AM I TAKING THAT SHIT!!!
I actually started to go delusional again when I was still at Innercept, while I was still on all the drugs.
So I blame all my bad actions on the Innercept culture.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Brain Damage and Thinking on Repeat
So I haven't blogged in awhile the thing I wanted to talk about is about how I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE.
It's being corrected through neurofeedback, the zapping of the brain with electrodes. This isn't electroshock therapy or anything like that, this is helpful not harmful.
When I listen to my iPod, I like to listen to the same song on repeat over and over again. When I think thoughts in my head, I (used to) think the same thoughts over and over again.
Thoughts wouldn't get old! Funny things don't get old! I laugh at the same funny things OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
When I do this around other people, they are like, "Okay Rachel, it wasn't THAT funny."
So the neurofeedback is improving it. But thoughts are powerful! Thinking the same thought over and over again has consequences.
So I got stuck in a loop of thinking about the girl who put puke in front of my door in college, Weird Zombie Girl. "Yeah, I smirked at you. YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY!!!!!" Over and over and over and fucking over again.
So I explained this on my facebook page. I would think about this all the time, this thought on repeat. Then suddenly it was like, "Cute little itty bitty sweet young soul. Sweet young soul. Sweet young soul." Which is a reference to a time when I thought more spiritually about everything, and I thought this girl was a young soul. That thought occured to me one time.
And so I replaced the YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY with "sweet young soul." My energy increased, and she stopped receiving my angry bad energy. It was a win/win situation!
Since that thought played on repeat, it was draining my energy as well as hitting her with bad energy constantly. So, the spirits intervened, located the place in my memory and thought that, and replaced my bad thought with a loving thought.
Thing is, I used to think of the guy I had delusions about on repeat for years and years and years and years. I would think of funny things I had told him and laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And send that energy to him. On repeat.
The question is, what effect did this have on him?
WHAT KIND OF ENERGY AM I SENDING TO PEOPLE??!?!?!?!?!? It gets multiplied when you think on repeat!!!
Anyway, the doctor said I have less repeat thinking going on in my brain now thanks to the neurofeedback.
It's being corrected through neurofeedback, the zapping of the brain with electrodes. This isn't electroshock therapy or anything like that, this is helpful not harmful.
When I listen to my iPod, I like to listen to the same song on repeat over and over again. When I think thoughts in my head, I (used to) think the same thoughts over and over again.
Thoughts wouldn't get old! Funny things don't get old! I laugh at the same funny things OVER AND OVER AGAIN!
When I do this around other people, they are like, "Okay Rachel, it wasn't THAT funny."
So the neurofeedback is improving it. But thoughts are powerful! Thinking the same thought over and over again has consequences.
So I got stuck in a loop of thinking about the girl who put puke in front of my door in college, Weird Zombie Girl. "Yeah, I smirked at you. YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY!!!!!" Over and over and over and fucking over again.
So I explained this on my facebook page. I would think about this all the time, this thought on repeat. Then suddenly it was like, "Cute little itty bitty sweet young soul. Sweet young soul. Sweet young soul." Which is a reference to a time when I thought more spiritually about everything, and I thought this girl was a young soul. That thought occured to me one time.
And so I replaced the YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY with "sweet young soul." My energy increased, and she stopped receiving my angry bad energy. It was a win/win situation!
Since that thought played on repeat, it was draining my energy as well as hitting her with bad energy constantly. So, the spirits intervened, located the place in my memory and thought that, and replaced my bad thought with a loving thought.
Thing is, I used to think of the guy I had delusions about on repeat for years and years and years and years. I would think of funny things I had told him and laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And send that energy to him. On repeat.
The question is, what effect did this have on him?
WHAT KIND OF ENERGY AM I SENDING TO PEOPLE??!?!?!?!?!? It gets multiplied when you think on repeat!!!
Anyway, the doctor said I have less repeat thinking going on in my brain now thanks to the neurofeedback.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Damnation, Hellfire, and Computer Programming
So, I wanted to discuss damnation and hellfire a little bit more.
What I am thinking is, and I am not an expert an scripture. But, it is about choice. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve used their free will to CHOOSE to disobey God. They did not choose God.
This was a story that is symbolic of something else, and I am not sure exactly what that is. But to overcome it, humans have to CHOOSE God. So by accepting Jesus into your life, that is choosing God, therefore, overcoming the other choice to go against God.
Hell is something that is very rudimentary. On Earth, while alive, you can be close to God, distant from God, or anywhere in between. When dead, you are either with God or completely separated from God.
Hell is kind of like a whole other dimension. When I think of hell, I think of a game you might play on a really old computer, with really basic graphics and stuff. Because I think of hell as kind of related to computers.
One thing I have never had to do before in computer programming is reference counting. If you have a reference to a variable, you have a connection to it so that you can keep using it. The reference counter counts the number of references to the variable, and when it goes to zero, you can't use it anymore, and the memory space can be reused for something else.
So when you die, and you are not saved, the reference counter goes to zero. Except, you will never cease to exist. You go to hell, and God can't reach you because He has no reference to you.
So it's kind of like being trapped in a really miserable computer game.
I don't try to upset people by talking about hell all this time. I am not intolerant of anyone's beliefs I just had an experience where I became convinced that you needed to accept Jesus to avoid hell.
What I am thinking is, and I am not an expert an scripture. But, it is about choice. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve used their free will to CHOOSE to disobey God. They did not choose God.
This was a story that is symbolic of something else, and I am not sure exactly what that is. But to overcome it, humans have to CHOOSE God. So by accepting Jesus into your life, that is choosing God, therefore, overcoming the other choice to go against God.
Hell is something that is very rudimentary. On Earth, while alive, you can be close to God, distant from God, or anywhere in between. When dead, you are either with God or completely separated from God.
Hell is kind of like a whole other dimension. When I think of hell, I think of a game you might play on a really old computer, with really basic graphics and stuff. Because I think of hell as kind of related to computers.
One thing I have never had to do before in computer programming is reference counting. If you have a reference to a variable, you have a connection to it so that you can keep using it. The reference counter counts the number of references to the variable, and when it goes to zero, you can't use it anymore, and the memory space can be reused for something else.
So when you die, and you are not saved, the reference counter goes to zero. Except, you will never cease to exist. You go to hell, and God can't reach you because He has no reference to you.
So it's kind of like being trapped in a really miserable computer game.
I don't try to upset people by talking about hell all this time. I am not intolerant of anyone's beliefs I just had an experience where I became convinced that you needed to accept Jesus to avoid hell.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Brain Shifting
So I realize, that when all this stuff happened last month, I suddenly got way more self-confident.
I feel like this is a position that everyone is trying to push me out of. They are trying to push me back to the place I was when I was not self-confident.
I don't know how much more self-confident I really am, but I know I can feel it in the way I walk. Or at least, I could for awhile. I would carry myself differently, like I was lighter, and I could move around with more ease.
So I can go up and talk to people. Like, I have no problem at all, at least when I was at the psych ward. Maybe the psych ward was different. I talked to emo kids about being emo.
For awhile anyway, I felt like I could think better. I see the world differently. It is kind of like this grid, and objects form a place on this grid but it is not necessarily right along the grid lines. The grid lines represents the ideal. I imagine a grid with a bunch of x's all over it.
I lost a little bit of self-confidence actually because I gained a little bit of weight. Not a whole lot just a little bit.
One thing people don't take into account is the intricate emotional needs of the individual. Because emotional needs are really intricate. Everything about the individual has an emotional effect on the individual.
My family didn't understand why having a guardianship would have an emotional effect on me. Yeah, like taking away my rights as an adult has no emotional effect on me.
People like to be seen as attractive and intelligent. Which seem like nice things to be but they aren't what really matters. What really matters is your ability to see other people as humans. What really matters is kindness and having a heart.
But anyway, I feel like my brain suddenly became more powerful.
I feel like this is a position that everyone is trying to push me out of. They are trying to push me back to the place I was when I was not self-confident.
I don't know how much more self-confident I really am, but I know I can feel it in the way I walk. Or at least, I could for awhile. I would carry myself differently, like I was lighter, and I could move around with more ease.
So I can go up and talk to people. Like, I have no problem at all, at least when I was at the psych ward. Maybe the psych ward was different. I talked to emo kids about being emo.
For awhile anyway, I felt like I could think better. I see the world differently. It is kind of like this grid, and objects form a place on this grid but it is not necessarily right along the grid lines. The grid lines represents the ideal. I imagine a grid with a bunch of x's all over it.
I lost a little bit of self-confidence actually because I gained a little bit of weight. Not a whole lot just a little bit.
One thing people don't take into account is the intricate emotional needs of the individual. Because emotional needs are really intricate. Everything about the individual has an emotional effect on the individual.
My family didn't understand why having a guardianship would have an emotional effect on me. Yeah, like taking away my rights as an adult has no emotional effect on me.
People like to be seen as attractive and intelligent. Which seem like nice things to be but they aren't what really matters. What really matters is your ability to see other people as humans. What really matters is kindness and having a heart.
But anyway, I feel like my brain suddenly became more powerful.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)