"We Can Tell By Looking" or "What You Care About Is Looking The Part"

I've been told, by my sources, "If Rachel isn't wearing makeup she isn't functioning well." That's one thing, or one of the myths in my parent's minds. What's the other one? Well, showering and hygiene, obviously. With my lifestyle, sometimes showering gets neglected. GASP! That's an old story, though. Anyway... What's my point? I don't "love Febreeze" for one, I heard that comment when I asked for the bathroom to be Febreezed. Actually, I would do it myself if I had my old "magic" Febreeze scent, so instead I have to deal with the house flowery yuck smell in the bathroom. What's the issue at hand? Well, in this living environment, I wasn't going to point it out on the internet because I thought that was an issue that person wouldn't want to be embarrassed about, but... God, someone has horrible BO here... I'm usually not picky unless it smells like THAT. I'm not trying to be mean... Yeah, I know I smelled a second ago.. That's why I'm taking a shower. I am trying to function, and I can't deal with THAT particular BO smell all over the upstairs, in both bathrooms, everywhere. What's my other point? "You and your secret mission." Is what no one said out loud, or something I am thinking some people might be thinking here. When I ask for a change, don't do the opposite just to spite me because you don't believe in a mission. Don't ask about nicotine. And don't insist on Circadian rhythm conformity. "Well, what you probably care about is looking wonderful every single second, so..." That's not true. I can look like shit for a bit and I don't care. So don't judge my functioning by my hygiene/makeup use, all the time. Also, my ability to function might be taken into question if I'm not able to properly apply eyeliner, is another thought. NOT APPLYING EYELINER WELL! Well, that's a dink on your record, isn't it? You are supposed to be able to apply that fucking eyeliner correcty, yes it's the best brand I decided, but I'm wondering if I should throw it out now even though there is plenty left and buy a whole new tub just so it... Anyway, you get the idea. The other thought? "You love Febreeze." When the hell do I ever use Febreeze? Actually, I had that one scent of Febreeze, and I don't know where it is anymore. Why? I moved and they moved my stuff for me and it wasn't there. So again, it might come down to, "Rachel we hate that Fish Out of Water Psychology story just SO FUCKING MUCH..." First you had to live through it. Then you had to sit still for awhile and rest to prevent mental breakdown due to too much stress. And then it comes back down to the Febreeze. No, I don't love Febreeze okay. Some people in the house just need to shower, is all. Just trying to function. Not trying to make a point. Well, actually I am, yes. I'm not trying to make a point that I'm better than everyone else, that's not my point. My point is stop.

Well, you were supposed to make use of the FIRST treatment center, Rachel

What did I do wrong? You were supposed to make use of the therapy system at the first treatment center. Why didn't I? I was supposed to bring up the right issue in therapy. What was that? I was supposed to know what the issue that needed to be addressed that would convince me that medication was necessary. Except, there was no reason to believe I needed medication at all. But there was, because my parents said so, and the doctors always say so when your diagnosis is schizoaffective. Stop acting like the medication wasn't helping, Rachel. Well, I didn't believe it was. SO SUE ME! SO SUE ME! THE MEDICATION WASN'T... Helping. Let's just say that. It wasn't helping. Why would I think it helped? Well, for one, what was the problem? That first time you became delusional Rachel, duh! Well, I didn't believe that was a problem, it was just my parents who decided to secure a guardianship for that reason. So it was a problem for that reason. So the reason the first delusional issue was a problem, was because your parents might secure ANOTHER guardianship over you if you don't... So, take your medication, that always prevents weird things from happening, just take our word for it Rachel, we don't trust anything at all you have to say about the issue, we will ALWAYS tell you you are lying if you say the medication wasn't helping, and we will ALWAYS assume you weren't taking the medication if anything weird is going on at all while you are on medication. We will say that no matter what Rachel. You weren't on your medication, that's why that happened. We ignore whatever you say about the situation. Also, I was supposed to address the right issue in therapy. What was the right issue? Positive self talk. I was supposed to address the right issue and it was positive self talk. That will solve all your problems, Rachel. If you just talk about your problem with positive self-talk in therapy. Also? You were supposed to address the fourth grade issue, which was that I was too stupid to make conversation with my peers. Why are you so stupid you can't talk to people, Rachel? Well, that changed all of a sudden at Innercept for no reason... Also, back to positive self-talk. My spirit guides fixed the problem with freaking out all the time, I don't do that anymore see? Anyway, what did you forget to do at the first treatment center? Accept the medication helps. That is all. It helped because we said so. That's the only thing I ever hear about the situation, ever. It helps, take our word for it...

As Requested by Ian, the Infamous "Clover" Story

This is a story that makes me uncomfortable... And... I don't know, here's the story already. I'm opening up, as requested by many as a staple, the "Clover" story. Well, as everyone already knows, maybe, I would think? Spirits moniter my thoughts. Sound crazy? I said spirits, not humans. How do you know what is possible? Yes, and I believe it too, and it makes you uncomfortable, but after years and years... I stopped caring, because everything I thought was always fine and dandy, and I used my own judgement here, with coaching and stuff from spirits who helped me understand what "intelligent kid stuff" was, and also help me frame sort of embarrassing stuff in a new light. Yeah, that was sort of a funny thing to say/think, wasn't it? And, obviously, they do this while recovering from biochemical damage from Adderall, which causes dopamine deficiencies to build up in the mind around "ideas," and at first, pretty much anything could potentially be a dark spot. And there was no peace, at first. And then, just when you thought you were safe... HEY new spirit friend! Welcome to Rachel's mind! Actually, as I was told, most people, when they get older, are in retrospect embarrassed by the times they were mean, not the times they were goody-two shoes nice. And as I looked back, on remembered thoughts, there was nothing mean! Except that one time in fifth grade, and... And... So, the story is, and remember this is embarrassing, but hey... When we were in sixth grade, we had Japanese exchange students stay at our house. We were at a picnic with them one time, and one of them pointed out that in Japan, a four leaf clover was lucky. I remember no one pointed out that that's the same in America, and that's something I'm thinking about right now. I made fun of her in my mind for not knowing that and looking dumb. And it was something I was thinking at the time, the adults wouldn't make fun of her for not knowing that, but I will. I WILL! MUAHHAHHA!! I got caught up on that, when the spirits watching... That was so mean that means I'm not perfect! WAHH!! And my guides said, now now. There is a reason regarding "mass consciousness" and WWII Americans still have underlying animosity towards the Japanese. Even though you didn't know that on a conscious level at the time. And... remember in first grade, you had a strange dream you don't remember now about a leprechaun and a clover and it made you feel weird. I remembered this, it was so long ago I didn't remember what the dream was, it just made me feel weird. "That was preparation for the clover incident." They could have been kidding though, is the thing. They would have made that joke if there was a coincidence like that, they are "joking spirits," but you never know. That's why I can't get emotionally close to anyone at all. To get close to people, you have to share things about yourself that you yourself find interesting... And all the things are like this clover story, or in some way weird as fuck and make people angry because they are so unusual. You never know, maybe you'll open up to the right person but... Nah, that task is impossible. That's why I know I did the right thing not making more of an effort to get close to people. What's the right word here? Let's just go with weird. Everything I have to say is so fucking weird, so fuck it. Not that I'm kidding about anything, just saying.

"Oh, She's an Attention..." Does Not Compute, No I Wouldn't Assume Any Relevance

There's a thought that's come up in my mind before, that I wouldn't address because it's a sick issue if it had any bearing to the situation at hand, which is my life. Actually, it came up as a joke in my original "episode"... "She's an attention whore... She's an attention whore... Actually, maybe she's starving for attention." That's the jist of it, it came up a little wordier than that. So, this is a "just in case" blog, not that I would really assume attention whore is an issue in any one's mind, when it comes to me. When do I ever get compliments of any sort? Almost never, it's incredibly rare. Maybe once a year. I sit in a hollow box with my guides and Ian all the time, not fragments of my imagination like the world thinks, real entities that cannot be seen. Where does the concept of "attention whore" come up in society? Actually, it comes up with pre-teen women, when they wear revealing clothing to grab the attention of men, not understanding that they are not ready for sex yet. And that's where the concept ends, after that, the term "attention whore" in my mind, has no other value in society. No, no one gives me compliments ever, it's just put-downs, and it's come up before that it might have made a difference, at vital times, like I said. I state this matter of factly. I wouldn't assume "attention whore" is a relevant term to me, because if it is, it's kind of like calling the starving children of Africa fucking fatasses. I told Hector one time, I requested a drawing from him, on a completely different note here... of me surrounded by pieces of string with little rolled up pieces of paper attached to them, prayers. He didn't draw it, that was probably too much of a challenge anyway... And like always, everything goes back to "that one time at Unity Hospital." They put me in a room, locked, bright lights, little mattress, nothing to use for fun except my own voice. Later, I let it slide that the doctor told me I was screaming for three hours, no I wasn't, I was singing. Then, right before they came in, I started exercising my vocal cords because I know that I have weak vocal cords that need strengthening. Of course in this situation, I would have to be an idiot not to know that yes, they DO have audio recordings in these places, don't ask the doctor, she's not going to be honest about that. What happens in this situation... As I talk to the people passing by the room, each time someone passes, they put a little sticky note or piece of paper over the little window there. Just a small piece of paper, each time someone passes, a new sticky note. Like the rolled up pieces of paper, the prayers of the people counting on me. This thought occurs to me, and I can't help but think of those little sticky notes as prayers.

Not UNITY!!! (Actually, that's not the current issue, but...)

Something I figured out, which... My mom said was sad. Going to the hospital is a substitute for vacations in my life. I'm not going to the hospital ever again though, and that's been decided. I don't say, hey I need a vacation let's go to the hospital... That just prevents me from building up a "change of scenery" debt. My guides made a joke, "We wanted to tell her, we think her beaded ornaments in the Curio cabinet ego construct is sad." And yeah, that's something I think too, but I'm not going to say anything about that. That happened, I screamed about it in the bath tub when my psyche was enraged, and then I thought... There's some reason that seems normal to think that though. Actually, this is a comment that I would normally let slide, Subbie pointed out it annoyed the psyche a lot. Don't point at a situation in my life and say it's sad, I'm trying to talk down things that are depressing and focus on the sunny side of everything. One thing to say, when I think about it that's downright misleading. What's it like going to the hospital? Depends on the time. Don't assume it's always depressing. Yes, going to the hospital in Idaho was sad, definitely, the couple times I did it in 2009. There's some reason I wouldn't say I'm happier outside the hospital than inside the hospital. Usually, yes, but... Maybe I'm just thinking about that depressing situation I went through earlier this year, and 2021 though... This situation is all over the map, but what I would say is it switches up the firing of the neurons, and neuron firing is what makes things fun. Let's talk about this one time though, at Unity Hospital. And it also occurs to me, with a "oh God no please don't tell me this was the same visit," this might have been one of the times I purposely got sent to the hospital when I thought it was time for the "Hospital Showdown," a situation that happened exactly twice when there was no other reason to go. Was this the same time? I'm not sure, and let's leave it at that, but we had to "err on the side of caution and stay an extra week." What did I do for that week? Stare at the clock, waiting for mealtime to roll around (the food was bad too). Not because I had an obsessive interest in food at the time, that was the only thing I had the emotional energy to do there at the time. There was stuff I wanted to do outside of there. I told them this, screamed this at them, but they stuck with the excuse that I wasn't quite ready to leave. Don't do this to people, folks. Please, let the patient have at least some sort of fucking slight amount of say in their own care. Stop forcing me to do stupid things. So, that was that one time at Unity. Usually, I'm occupied and a lot of times, as we say, "Busy Lizzy." I'm usually busy doing things, it's usually fun, always looking forward to getting out though, but it's not a given that I will be happier the second I leave. The joke about my life is that I'm beating the game Earth. It's not even a joke that my life has the psychological pleasure of a computer game, however... It's been a long time since I've played a computer game I really enjoyed, just pointing that out. Ian says, "SHUT THE FUCK UP RACHEL!" The spirits keep me very psychologically stimulated, and usually there are a whole bunch of interesting social situations at the hospital, or at least lately. I don't like the part where I am forced to go to the hospital, though. It's really not that bad, but we are also done with hospitalizations, so... The thing that's depressing is that excessive numbers of hospitalizations might be held against you, at some point.

Aggravating Psychological Factor B: Shut Up Kimberly

What was the new aggravating psychological factor added last night? Well, after addressing the issue at hand with the closed Klonopin time window (I opened up to the doctor about something and I ended up getting the opposite of what I was asking for! I already don't open up about anything at all!), I went to get a Klonopin last night at a reasonable hour and Kimberly had made a documentation error that would have normally prevented me from getting one, but the staff said, "I'm giving it to you anyway, if they have a problem with it they can kiss my ass." Yes, after Innercept "didn't work," we got stuck with the podunk treatment center, I know that about the situation. My spirit guides are annoyed with a different issue regarding Kimberly. Did the nicotine gum work last time? Did the nicotine gum work last time? I told her just mark down yes every time. This is a moral dilemma that makes me sick but I'm not supposed to bug other people about moral issues when I lie to my very own parents about alcohol. What if you marked yes one time, and it was the one time it didn't work? Or you couldn't tell them you ask every single time with a straight face? This is not me having a fucking ego crisis this is the advice of my spirit guides. Do not grab at my attention to remind me, and make me verbalize, the nicotine works. I have differences in attention than others, and differences in conversation/verbalization psychology. Normally I would just lie and say no, it didn't work, but then I have to worry about how they will stop giving it to me if it stopped working. Stop having an attitude about how you think I have a fucking ego problem. You could think it was the stupidest thing in the world and I wouldn't give a fuck as long as you don't ask that question. I am trying to wean off. What's the issue? Sometimes, the brain sends a signal for nicotine and I have to hear the signal, is what my guides are telling me right this second. I didn't even know that until now. That fucks with our system. Leave the question alone. I don't even understand what that question means because I don't know what a nicotine craving even is. What does that mean? I don't know what it means when I'm having a nicotine craving. I don't know. But I do need it sometimes, and I'm trying to stop. What is a nicotine craving? Beats me. But yes, if I don't get it enough, something bad will happen to my brain functioning. It might make me act obnoxious in a way I can't control, maybe. That's one thing... I could elaborate but maybe you get the picture. The other thing is, nicotine gum never "stops working." You just gradually stop chewing it. The other thing is... I was astounded one time by the half-ass job Kimberly did wiping down the coffee table. That is all.

Thomas the Menace: A Work of Fiction

Thomas the Menace was always grinning. There was something weird about that situation. It was a look of tension, if you looked closely. The other thing about his smile is that he smiled inappropriately, even when he wasn't happy. He wore a scarf around his neck which he told everyone was to "cover bulletwounds." This story made his parents frown, but they left it alone. If he wanted to wear a scarf around his neck, it was his own business. Except, family kept commenting about how goofy this situation was. "You know, if Thomas wants to be a part of society, he should at least think about how that situation looks to others. Would it be so horrible if he at least took off the scarf? We're getting sick of it, and we would rather look at bullet wounds than THAT annoying piece of cloth..." So one day his parents sat down with him. "You're annoying people with the scarf, Thomas. You either take off the scarf yourself, or we will." He didn't say anything, but his face frowned, went blank, and his eyes widened. "Sure, okay." His mom grabbed the scarf and ripped it off. His parents both gasped. Underneath the scarf, there was a tiny razorblade in his neck, held in place by two pieces of string, attached to his ears. "For the love of GOD, Thomas, that's disgusting..." "I wouldn't do that, if I were you," Thomas said. His mom removed the knife, and it was over in a second. Thomas fell down in a pool of blood, dead on the scene. After years of therapy, his parent's finally accepted what the therapist kept repeating to them about the situation: "What would anyone do in that situation? If you see a knife in someone's throat, you remove it. You do that every single time, no exceptions. Everyone would. Point-blank, end of discussion."