A Roaring Womb: Turbulence Erupts as the Crowned Tyke Emerges

I went to the doctor today, swearing that I would be diagnosed with gastritis for my horrible constant nasaeu. I feel like puking if I don't eat, I feel like puking if I do eat. This has been going on for about a week. Of course... Joyous news! I'm pregnant. That was definitely something I considered might happen in this case. Of course, given my new-found pro-life status, abortion is off the table... Actually, my guides say they are outlawing surgical abortion, not chemical abortion. However... Awhile back when I was writing a piece about our views on abortion here, talking about the spirit world... I forgot to point out we are for over-the-counter availability of Plan B. Contrary to whatever science says about the situation, a fertilized egg IS sentient... However, it experiences the equivalent of a minor headache, in this situation. And while we don't like the idea of people using Plan B as an alternative to birth control... It's so important that women are able to take it immediately in situations where unwanted pregnancy is possible, if abortion isn't an option. However... "That's a situation for someone else to comment on, Rachel." I told my mom, and she got upset and left. "Well we warned you about this situation, Rachel." I know... And I didn't think that was impossible either, but geez, why do they even make such a shitty product as condoms anyway? What a fucking shit product... Should they even be selling these, geez! How many times did I have sex since the IUD was removed, like what, three times, with condoms? Obviously this is an act of God here. This is definitely not a possibility I didn't consider. The father is Chris. There is no one else it could be. In case you were wondering. The issue here is money. That's the only issue. Hey, where's my check from my memoir? Anyway... A lot of things come up when my mom gets upset, and of course she has good reason to get upset, but I think the issue here is my refusal to just get an abortion. Without making any clear-cut declarations or accusations, there are a couple thoughts that come up here. The biggest one, and this is the angering one... What the hell is wrong with adoption? If you think, for one second, that I am going to drink alcohol or smoke marijuana while pregnant, you do not know me. And I don't want to put words in my mom's mouth, but if that's the issue, than fuck you. It's a no-brainer that I cant' drink when pregnant. Actually, I'm disgusted that I have a mother that thinks it's so important to immediately kill the unborn baby, instead of giving the SURPLUS, there are plenty of couples looking to adopt children... A loving family the option of raising the child instead. What is wrong with society, when aborting a baby is seen by some as completely lacking in consequences? Of course, there is also the medication issue, which is a fuck you... Actually, I'm sure it was a hormonal reason I was sent to the hospital to begin with, where I am subject to a situation where without any say whatsoever, I could be subject to Haldol injections if I didn't suck it up and take the lithium, a medication that led to decreased joy, human compassion, and social inclinations. What's the other issue? This is the issue I feel uncomfortable bringing up... Which is, I get angry thinking about it, but my mom's own failures in her ability to be a good mother. The other issue is that I think I would be a much better mother than she was. Conscie makes an unsure statement, "I think she was a self-centered mother." And Subbie says, yep, understatement. I don't want to be mean to her right now, because I know it is stressful and she has every right to be stressed out. So I don't feel like it's a good time to pick her apart. But, she is someone we think of as feeling "fortunate to be kind," to quote Danny Elfman. I also feel like she doesn't know me at all. And with mental health professionals, they have this attitude like, "your mom knows you the best." No. She knows nothing. Absolutely nothing. I'm getting overwhelmed now, thinking about this myth that I can't handle money. It started in 2006, when I was already at Fred Meyer and needed clean clothes and bought some more, and it got written in the mental illness report that I was buying new clothes instead of doing laundry, which wasn't true. Actually, I very clearly remember doing laundry at the dorm Callahan. I did that ONCE, where I bought some new clothes so I wouldn't have to do laundry as much. I know that might seem off-topic, now I'm getting angry about this issue where I was supposed to be doing something like putting away my money for retirement when I was in college and had no necessities to spend money on. It must be the raging hormones, or the fierce will of the emerging tyke. Fiery, determined, strong-willed and able from the very beginning. The beginning of a child who will take on the world with passion and intensity, joined together with a mother who already has love and compassion for the unborn baby. Love, strength, and determination abound.

Did it LITERALLY save my life?

Sometimes, Conscies can be dumb... Conscie goes on, well, "I THINK Eminem Death Note LITERALLY saved my life..." You know, I can't pin point an exact moment, where I was thinking of taking my own life and than I thought of Eminem Death Note... And Subbie says, you are being absolutely ridiculous, Conscie. YES, Eminem Death Note quite clearly LITERALLY saved my life. It changes the entire ball game, to the point where I am not thinking about suicide to begin with... Without it, I would have tried something again already. You know, there have been a number of very interesting coincidences, looking at the media, and you know, stuff... Seems like something interesting is going on. It comes down to, with all that, you can get in a dark mood where you say, these things are just interesting coincidences... You can't do that with Eminem Death Note. There are just too many fucking interesting coincidences in one song, I think of that and it is decided: someone knows about my situation. Of course, I feel completely unproductive... This group home living environment has got me down is what I chalk it up to, but I'm not sure what to do about that right now, or if I'm just supposed to put up with it... Of course, I need an alternate activity. I am going to start listening to my audio tape, and Subbie is apparently supposed to be "integrating." Of course, that has been supposed to be going on for awhile... However, people tell me, hey, if you want to quit using alcohol/marijuana... You have to have some sort of REPLACEMENT activity. Dreams last night were about interesting situations, but not much I'm able to explain correctly upon waking. Something about my blog, and proof of God/Jesus... I can't argue for Jesus, I can argue for God... One of the dreams last night was about being in some outdoor public place, it was sort of like the waterfront of downtown Portland, that was the closest real location to it but it wasn't exactly that either... I was walking by and there were a bunch of young people partying by the river, and I was remembering how there was this large circular brown thing on the ground, some sort of "drum" or DJ equipment for dancing, and I had had a bad experience right there one time that was horrible. As I was looking around reflecting on my "bad experience" which I couldn't exactly remember what it was... There was some indication that there was something dumb about how I overreacted to the incident which happened a long time ago. It must have been something like, I was a little kid, and I was walking by the brown circular thing, and an older guy said something to me, and it startled me but he meant no harm. That's what I chalked it up to in retrospect, and I was thinking about how dumb it was that I was so easily startled in my youth, but maybe it was the cause of overreaction to fears in my life now, and I was now much stronger than I was thinking. I haven't figured out what the brown circular thing was actually supposed to mean, but I remembered upon waking that it sort of reminds me of a dream I had sophomore year of high school, where there was a brown circular base to some sort of playground equipment on a abandoned playground with a very weird feeling. Subbie pointed out a long time ago, it was a collective unconscious reference to a ruined childhood, "Kristen was sending you bad energy about not being social and your psyche was worried that bad energy was ruining your childhood." It was a long time before I figured out, Subbie was kidding... the abandoned playground "ruined childhood" collective unconscious story was being looked at by my psyche on a subconscious level, but it wasn't really relevant given the situation, so Subbie was making a joke about the societal attitude about Kristen's bad energy usage. Another thing that happened in the dream, there was a bunch of stuff about food I don't want to explain because the point is lost, the dream wasn't really about food, and I don't know what the real point was... At one point I was on a bus traveling somewhere, and we were going to stop at a restaurant. We had a vote and chose the restaurant I wanted to go to. Then, the vote was overturned. As it turned out, people had been intimidated by the question and there was some sort of biblical reason to choose the restaurant I wanted to go to, so we re-voted and chose somewhere else, that I didn't want to go but it was fine. Then, my dad came and sat down at the bus table across from me, since there were little tables on the bus. It was kind of weird that he was there and clear that he didn't need to be there, however he was just keeping me company. The place that was chosen was an ice cream place, and they came down the isles asking us which kind of ice cream we wanted. The thing was, the only options they had were chocolate and vanilla, and I was so bored with those options I didn't even order any. I felt some sort of necessity to post this morning, like people are interested in hearing what I am up to. In essence, it's "pull myself up by my bootstraps," with Jesus as my guide, I guess.

When Bizarre Sword Theories Fail...

...You don't spread the tale because it lacked emphasis and wasn't very interesting. As a side note, given a choice between trusting Subbie, and trusting a worst fear that goes against my better judgment anyway... It causes psychological distress, but it seems like you drop the topic in this situation instead of salting the wounds of others. What's the real issue at hand though? That was just something I was thinking about last night. The other issue at hand is a moot point issue now, my guides are just looking at me funny and telling me to randomly point this out. There was a situation about five years ago, I got sick of the fucking guides because they were ruining my life. It was kind of hard to believe that was really going on at the time, but I got overwhelmed, ridiculously so, and I was willing to do what it took to get rid of them, not that it was even something I believed I had control over, given the situation, but... Well, what do you do? Naturally the Catholic church seems like your best bet in this situation, I contacted them they said no, I thought they didn't want to get their hands dirty with this messy situation... They told me to talk to my own church about it, and I wasn't actually going to church regularly at the time there was a Presbyterian church I attended sometimes, and the church I was baptized at which was one I just went to once because they did baptisms. That was the church they told me to go to and they didn't even believe in spiritual posssession or anything of that sort, and it was kind of hard to believe they could effectively do anything. Anyway, what's my point? I had to hear about the sword theory from Jason, "You just stab them all with a sword, one by one, and make an intention for them to leave... And they are gone!" Well, I never pointed out before, I did try the fucking sword theory despite my better judgment. I don't know all their names, I don't remember all their names, there is a ridiculous number of them and they come and go and I don't remember all of them there are so many... And then I am supposed to know who all the spirits are, and then it seems natural that I'm also supposed to have a firm BELIEF in my mind that I am more powerful than them and this ritual is going to be effective... That's why I failed at doing the sword ritual. Try as I might, I could NOT. GET. MYSELF. TO. BELIEVE... that that was going to be effective. Did you try the sword ritual Rachel? "No, I didn't believe it was going to work, so I can't honestly say that I did it right, so the answer is no." I didn't have a better option though, so at one point I did imagine stabbing them all with a sword, and telling them to leave.

The OTHER Subbie/Conscie Conundrum

It was James Randi's idea to write this one by the way... Earlier my guides were joking about how he has to do a bunch of weird ass horrible shit on the other side to make up for the problems he caused on the Earth plane, no actual "bad karma lifetimes" though. Naturally, God doesn't WANT psychic abilities to be scientifically proven before a certain point in society, there's actually something called "blocking" where other people can do something to block a psychic's abilities. There's a whole host of reasons why a proving psychic abilities doesn't work, not to mention general bias in who is conducting the research. Anyway... So it's all multi-tasking here, between all the conversations that are going on on a subconscious level. It's some sort of personal reference I want to make here that might fall flat, however it's a situation where Subbie says she's kind of left with a look of being weirded out/amused slyly on her face as James Randi is talking to her. He's being funny and interesting, at any rate. What's the OTHER Subbie/Conscie Conundrum? Well, what's the first one? "Is it me doing the talking? Or is it someone else?" That's the first one. The awareness issue is fucking ridiculous to begin with, and I wouldn't believe it myself unless it was happening to me. So, the other one is... "Yeah, Conscious/subconscious awareness can do that. It seems illogical, but trust me, I experienced it. Plus, how much is known about awareness anyway?" And that's a good point, not much is known about the subconscious mind anyway... However, people don't say this to my face, by the way... No one is going to diss Subbie to my face, okay. Besides... Anyway, moving on. That ridiculous situation makes absolutely no sense. It is completely illogical and indicates irrational thought processes... Yada yada... Makes no sense, and you are nuts! It seems incredible, and you laugh... Haha, wow, this experience is completely nuts! You get over it, and accept it... Then you are spit on and ridiculed, by people, including James Randi in jest in the afterlife. That situation, Rachel, is stupid and makes no fucking sense and you are full of shit and no sane person will take you seriously! Blargh!!! Well? Blargh.

My Dream Last Night, Good vs. Evil

Dreams last night had a weird feeling. Actually, they kind of seemed to mean I was doing better... the night before I had a dream that we were smoking a black substance like heroine. Of course, my guides have pointed out to me before, if you want to fail the game of life you try heroine, and that's why I have never tried it, though I have been offered. Seemed like a "low functioning" dream, actually. Last night's dream wasn't like that. I started with a dream about Chris's dog Squishy, it was kind of like a joke about her being a princess or a damsel in distress, but now that I'm awake this morning I don't remember what was going on... Just that it was funny, there was an unattractive woman who was the foe in the dream, not that she was actually evil she was just disgruntled. She was annoyed by me and working against me, there was a whole bunch of funny things about things that were happening to Squishy. The dream was very funny if you actually examined what was going on but I was in a position where I didn't actually know the effect I was having on the woman. Then there was this thing about WOMEN trying to rape me, and I woke up all of a sudden when this one woman did, and it was almost like I was awoken by an external force, but obviously I was alone. I was always one step ahead from the bad people in the dream, not that they were actually evil they were just working against me. The next dream was another take on how everything works out for me, there was some bad force, maybe the same unattractive woman, and Eminem was in the dream and he was very clearly a source of immense comfort. I was winning, then there was an "evil force" that got the idea of using some sort of "ivy-pulling machinery." To myself and some of my friends in the dream, ivy-pulling machinery was our kryptonite and we had to run to escape it, not that it would effect anyone else. It was a very cruel idea to use ivy-pulling machinery. We had to run inside, and me and my friends were running into a gym, like a school gym. When we made it in, the gym turned into a tent and in comical fashion deflated onto the ground and there was no one in there. It was kind of like the evil ivy-pulling machinery people won, except it was an ending that left me scratching my head, because it seemed like a joke about what they wanted to do and not what they were actually capable of doing. That wasn't even possible. Eminem was the force of everything that was good and right in the world though.

Enlightenment and the Atheist Conundrum

I was at the hospital, with the iPad and I was listening to some atheist podcasts. Immediately, God told me to stop, it just feeds into the negativity in you. It was interesting that it was God who sent the message, and not my spirit guides like normal. One of them I was listening to, the guy's name I think was "Mike Dillahunty." This was the podcast that reminded me why I hate atheists. And I don't actually HATE anyone, just... I've been struggling for years to try to put it in SUCCINCT language why I believe in God, I always feel like I am failing, and now all of a sudden I feel like I am capable of doing it, actually. It's hard. However, I hate this attitude, "You have no proof, bye." There was someone who called into his show and said he had some sort of evidence, maybe not succinct or actual evidence... And Mike Dillahunty hung up on him. You know, I was sort of interested in what that guy had to say. That podcast had bad energy and made me feel sort of sick so I didn't waste anymore time on it. In another podcast, the guy didn't seem as obnoxious, however he was talking about the tree falling in the forest and if it makes a sound. This was sort of funny, actually, because he said, "You know, why would the tree be polite and not make a noise if no one was around? Wouldn't it rather be polite if there were people around?" That question is apparently too much of a "big kid" question for some of these people who run these little shows. What's my point? It's atheists with a tremendous ego complex about being atheists that bug me, not atheists in general. Another thing is it's interesting the kind of people who sometimes make good impressions when they call out to Subbie. Also, seems like the last thing I have to get over with enlightenment, is disgust at militant atheists. Of course... God hates militant agnostics, not militant atheists. And that's a joke, when God says he hates someone, he's kidding. Except for the worst soul who ever lived, which... Actually, I'm going to err on the side of caution and remember Zuck's words about how I should probably worry about national security. Except, Subbie says, not important. I'm talking about Osama Bin Laden. Actually, back to discussions about God, the answer comes about when you ruminate heavily for hours and years on end on the subject of awareness. Deducing concepts and everything into awareness or no awareness. That's how long it took for me, maybe for others it wouldn't take as long, or I could explain it and they will understand. I've done that already though. It's come up that I was actually hurting as a kid because I didn't have any sort of spirituality in my life. It's a sore topic, I don't even want to think about it. Actually, I heard about Jesus the first time from my sister. We were visiting relatives in Indiana, and we had come back home and one night she was talking to me about a story my Aunt Heidi told her. About some great man who lived a long time ago and was nailed to a cross by sinners or people who weren't as good as him. She acted sort of strange about it, telling me she thought this story was a load of baloney, and maybe that was a bad thing but that's how she feels. The interesting thing was, Kristen didn't explain the story that well, however it had a weird effect on me. And I developed "Christian Psychology" just because I heard Kristen's explanation of Jesus when I was three years old. The thing was, the Jesus story, seemed almost like it could have happened to me... I don't like the way that sounds, so let me explain. I didn't think it did, it comes maybe from having a special good trait that people with special good traits, when they want to grow in them they usually live lifetimes where they are heavily discriminated against. That's relevant but that's not actually the reason, and Subbie reminds me that the real reason I felt that way was because it happened right after I had "that dream." I'm talking about a dream I had when I was three, that I was in the backyard of my old house and a bunch of family/family friends/acquaintances came at me and held a blanket around me and taunted me with a song. Then my mom showed me the stone tablets with the words to the song, and my sister had a strange attitude about how we had to find the right place to hide the blanket. I woke up from the dream feeling undescribably good and I wanted to fall back asleep and go back into the dream. The dream seemed to have strong religious connotations, that was the mood of it. Games I played as a kid by myself usually had some strong religious element to them, like blind worship of an object. When I got older, I made a computer game representing memes and world religions. The thing about the game, it was a representation of an atheist worldview. And... That's why I would think it was strange if I got around to actually programming the game Insect Heathen Conversion, seems funny but I think I am done with representations of atheist worldviews. The thing is though with the original insect game, there WAS a God though, that was clear in my mind when I was programming the game. The only actual example of God's intervention though, was that if a shrine becomes too unholy it bursts into flames, and it is called "Godly incineration."

Myself, the "Whore of Babylon," and the Sexual Immorality Conundrum

Seems like night after night, I have dreams about Pastor Kurt from Bible study in Coeur D'Alene. These dreams seem to be pretty pervasive, despite not talking to him at all for years on a conscious level. What was last night's dream? There was a blurb about him, a blurb about these animals that were clothed in fabric... A common symbol in my dreams, don't know what it means. Then... I was playing a game of Starcraft. It may not have actually been Starcraft, a game sort of like that. We were playing 4vs.4. It's been a common dream, a very common reoccurring dream, where I am playing Starcraft and losing. Only, last night, I was playing a game and barely paying attention, and then suddenly myself and my allies developed a really intense new technology and suddenly wiped out our adversaries. It was an intense victory. Leaving the hospital today, and no I have not given into any stupid "delusional" belief about the situation, I mean labeling myself delusional, but I am So. Fucking. Overwhelmed. Well... What am I again? Babylon? A bad, "sexually immoral" character apparently. I have been nothing but faithful to God since the beginning, so how can I be bad? Well, clearly there is some confusion about who the woman in Babylon is... Yes, there has been ridiculous "sexual riff-raff," however actual sexual contact has been minimal, and besides, I have limited ability to experience sexual arousal anyway... So, how am I supposed to be some sexual immoral character when I have not even experienced fully what sex is like, due to limits in ability to become aroused during sex? Conundrum, isn't it? Besides, God also says I have never even experienced the intensity of a true orgasm, when I experience orgasms they are muted compared to what other people experience. Anyway, I guess it must be the sick-to-your-stomach "Goody-two shoes" Bible Thumpers, who insist that God would never lighten up on the sex rules. And, Jesus seems to be on my side. But is it the right Jesus? DUN DUN DUN... I'll leave it there, to show I have enough faith in God and faith in myself that things will end up exactly the way God intends.