Party On, Party-goers!

 “Party on, party-goers” is a phrase I repeat all the time, randomly, during private conversations with Ian

This situation... there’s a situation where, I have a million dollars sitting on my hard drive, in the form of a kick-ass memoir series.

Problem is... is there a problem at all? I’m not sure about marketing... and I haven’t done much in the form of beta reading. People at Innercept who have read the first part of Party say it’s great. I’m sort of worried I will lose people with the depressing part, which is probably irrational... you probably don’t walk into this reading situation expecting a picnic, it is a memoir after all. Also, I’m marketing it as a memoir on mysticism... I’m worried people will be like, don’t read it, she’s in denial about having a mental illness... oh, Kundalini.

I have written six books, so far. The thing that is impressive to me, each book has a worthy sequel. Meaning, the book after it is better, until we get to the fifth Rise Like Jesus, where the one after it, Touch Like Jesus, isn’t actually better but it is definitely still very good.

I also plan on leaving behind notes on the visuals and stuff, in case it gets made into movies.

The person who read the first four, Jason, said “I hope to have played at least a small role in the lives of the people who are going to be the most influential...”

If Jason ever decides to write to me again, I promise I won’t flirt, use hearts, or X’s and O’s. Just like old times.

I am thinking about also releasing Trip Like Jesus soon.

I had a dream that this family called the Certmeyers, invited me into their home. They had a Powerball ball machine.

This was after a dream about Bible study in Coeur D’Alene. I was explaining to them the difference between Buddhism and Christianity... in Christianity you see yourself as inferior to Jesus and God. In Buddhism, there is simply no ranking system, but the kind of people who seek out enlightenment have a lot going for them, as I would say, soul trait-wise. It comes up that, you are already good and that should be good enough.

The lady at the Certmeyer house, told me it was time to go home when I was trying to take a picture of the inside of their house, because the situation was too good to be true and I wanted to have some sort of souvenir for later, but the camera on my phone didn’t work.

Alcohol: Life Without It, the Final Frontier

 What does alcohol do for me? Makes me forget my troubles, and then I fall asleep. Every single time.

Is forgetting your problems the final frontier?

Or is forgetting to drink the booze?

We, in the Rachel Zuhl experience, would like to be productive. For awhile, it was about drunken Facebook statuses. As the appeal of that wears thin, as in retrospect they appear goofy... well, what else can you accomplish, while boozing? Mopey blogs. Mopey emails. Mopey text messages. Facebook statuses, lamenting that people should be granted the right to end their own lives... sleepy time... what is accomplished? Nothing!

“As a new memoirist, I would like to be coherent and respectable,” Rachel Zuhl says. “None of that, you are slurring your speech so much I can hardly make out your words.”

On top of that, she has recovered from cravings/withdrawals, while at the hospital.

“Not even one drink,” Rachel Zuhl says. “I need to set an example that if you have a problem, not even a sip every now and again.”

Rachel then wonders what the deja by she experienced just now meant.

Marble Chess Set - A Dream From My Youth

 I had a dream one time, when I was maybe 8 years old. An old classic dream, this has always been an old feel good dream. Of course, I had it during the summer, visiting relatives in Indiana. I greatly enjoyed summers in Indiana, as a kid.

In the dream, my family and I were on a beach that was very crowded. It was the end of the world, and my dad was telling me about how you got a choice of two kingdoms to go to for the afterlife, the rich kingdom or the poor kingdom. The choice was entirely up to you, regardless of the money you had on Earth. My dad and the rest of my family chose the rich kingdom, which was obviously better, so I chose it as well. Later on, my dad made a side comment about how well there’s also some kingdom called Royal, so I changed my mind and went with Royal, while my parents were still going to rich.

The mood of the world was very happy and peaceful. We watched a video of the poor kingdom. There was a Latino family, gathered around a gigantic marble chess set, and the mother was clearing it because it was time for the kids to go to bed. It was very pleasing, and made you think, nothing wrong with picking the poor kingdom, look how nice that is! And if poor is nice, just imagine how good rich would be!

During one of my fun late nights with work with guides, we talked about this dream. First off, I was the only person who could go to Royal. Also, you never saw rich. The rich kingdom wasn’t as nice as the poor kingdom.

I hope that in the following months, I come across a little bit of money. On a side note.

Folklore

 Today, we are talking about... folklore stories. Folklore stories are like collective unconscious stories, except folklore stories actually have spirit authors (there are spirits on the other side who write them). Collective unconscious stories are written by mass consciousness, based on themes that show up in human’s lifetimes, over and over again.

We can talk about... the boy and the star. There was a man, and one time, a woman smiled at him. That one smile was all he thought about for the rest of his life. When he looked at the stars, there was a star that if he squinted his eyes, looked like a smile. He stared dreamily at that star, night after night, remembering that woman.

Some say, this story reminds them of a certain character in Party Like Jesus.

The other one I wanted to discuss... the teacher.

There was a man, the character of which is unclear. Is he a bad guy or a good guy? He has a temper... it is unclear, but when he teaches, MAN, he is fantastic!

Without knowing what I was referencing... sometimes I imagine a computer game icon man dancing, when I listen to the song Concentrate by Xhibit. But, just to the part with Nam Myo Renge Kyo. Like the computer game icon is holding something in the air, getting into a flow and teaching, the dance represents flow.

It’s actually a reference to my dad, and how he’s a good teacher. He’s a good soul, however, he is at risk of decline... a common predicament that comes with early virtuous souls, or souls that are capable of growing in virtue... they look the same as psychopath souls, or souls that turn into psychopaths (I use that term loosely, actually, not all people we consider psychopaths are bad souls, psychopath is a broad term), the common trait is interest in other souls. When this shows up, it depends on nurture.... you have to plan your lifetimes, to nurture your good side.

When we first addressed this story, I swore the little computer game icon man came from a computer game... upon thinking about it, it clearly did not.

I am not entirely clear on the purpose of folklore and collective unconscious literature... guides say it helps us better understand literature. Without it, the world lacks depth, or something.

Blurry Face

 Blurry face is a condition pertaining to lack of emotional development in adolescence. Usually, it happens when teens spend too much time on drugs like marijuana growing up. People Subbie considers Blurry Face, are sort of whiny and self-centered.

Being excessively attractive can also cause a different, less potent form of blurry face.

Blurry face is represented in the collective unconscious as an advertisement for a comic book hero you could be yourself!

Discussing blurry face in my life... it came up that the predicament of blurry face to me, was an “AHH!!!”

I am not a blurry face, though. Why is it an “AHH!”??

Well, preparing for this lifetime... I start out with the social predicament, which means I have difficulty communicating and making conversation... no, I know the English language just fine, I just have a lot of trouble with conversation, and if you have been following you know... when I was a teenager, ages 9-22, I could barely talk to people. This in itself, has the ability to cause blurry face, because of how dumbed down I felt due to this. If you are not me, it’s hard to understand what I mean... I felt subhuman. Well, to prevent this from causing blurry face, I need Adderall, another agent that has the potential to cause blurry face, in itself.... Oh, but I get another advantage... I didn’t experience teen hormones.

AHH!!!

Which means I had no desire to ogle men, led to my sister making fun of me and calling me a lesbian, and me having a hard time relating to girls my age, when I was a younger teenager. Yes, I was straight, but there weren’t boys I thought were cute.

Anyway... I had a dream in about sixth grade. I was somewhere, and we were getting into a car, and my best friend started to fall down... and caught herself. She started doing some sort of “dance,” as she repeatedly fell in all different directions and just barely caught herself. Then, other girls around her started doing the same dance.

My guides say it was a dream about how hard puberty is. However, being a very strong soul, puberty was easy for me... But I also had a tougher predicament. I had an assignment for puberty, where I had to stop wasting my time playing the Sims almost cold turkey, and start working on making a computer game. Leading to a subconscious belief that I can change my own behavior, a belief that was essential... for everything, all at once.

I had a dream in late 2007, during an obnoxious part of my life, right before I was sent off to pointless treatment centers... there was a guy looking at his body... “Yeah! YEAH!!! I’m looking so ripped and toned...” The guy was going on and on about how good he looked... except, his body made me want to puke. There was all this scar tissue. He was not muscular, he looked like he was doing steroids, working out, not eating, and was very unhealthy.

This was a nightmare about blurry face with Adderall. Hyped up on feel good chemicals, you might feel good about a situation that is not something you should feel good about... maybe a mediocre activity. You could, though it isn’t as common, develop blurry face, from Adderall or Ritalin.

Of course, the thing that saves a lot of people, like me... you come down from the high and have nothing to show for it. So, I made it my goal, every time I’m on it, do or make something I’ll be proud of, when I am off it.

Ohh, the rollercoaster highs and lows of ADD meds....

Abortion: Unacceptable This Way, Unacceptable That Way

 It’s time to address a secret. My revised stance on abortion.

My guides, even on a subconscious level, allowed me to make up my own mind on this issue. Meaning they didn’t have the “Horrors of Being an Aborted Baby” lecture until I was much older, not even the subconscious version.

Subbie says, you can trace back my conscious pro-choice stance, to one moment: when my dad first explained the issue to me in fourth grade. We were driving around town, and there was some sort of sign everywhere saying something about abortion. “It gives me great pause, but it comes down to, you don’t tell women what to do with their bodies.”

Then, another moment happened when I was twenty years old, and messing around on a debate forum for young people. In the midst of an abortion debate I threw out there, kind of joking, kind of not - “The one thing all aborted babies have in common is that no one loves them.”

This created an uproar. “What if I believe I can abort the fetus, and the same soul will come back, when I’m ready?” Looking at what I actually wrote here, I clearly lost. But Subbie says, “That’s when I became pro-life, on a subconscious level. What is this hogwash about how the same soul comes back? You killed it once, and it’s going to come back for more? I thought the pro-choice argument was that it didn’t have a soul?” Nonsensical reasoning from pro-choice people.

Telling the conscious Rachel this... “well I’ve always sort of envied pro-life people... don’t ask me what that means.”

As it turns out, my conscious argument for abortion has always come down to, carrying a baby for nine months is a responsibility in itself, for those who say you can just put him/her up for adoption. As it turns out... we make an exception for that situation, where extreme drug use puts the unborn baby at risk. Along with rape and health of mother.

It turns out, abortion is horrific on unborn baby, and commonly leads to them becoming dark souls. If a soul is a dark soul, it has experienced something brutal and horrific, and leads to changes in interests and desires, including getting sick pleasure (on the other side) from souls going through some types of horrible experiences. It’s socially acceptable, the dark soul predicament. However, if it can be avoided, it should be. Also, it can lead to degradation of traits as well.

What about for rape? Well, we make an exception. For a woman who is already traumatized by rape, to endure having to carry the rapist’s baby... that could lead to more serious soul problems and decline, than the unborn baby endures in abortion.

Another issue I wanted to address... the answer to the question of the morality of abortion, is tricky and not obvious. It isn’t obvious that a fetus is a person, and it is hard to empathize with a fetus. I hear pro-choice people say, “it’s about controlling women.” No, it’s not, okay. Maybe it’s because different people empathize differently, they may not see it as obvious that a fetus has the right to life. And that’s fine, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with you. But realize, pro-life people’s stance on abortion, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt and say it comes from a place of love and caring, even if you think they are trying to punish women for having sex. That sounds stupid, there is a real concern regarding destroying life here.

Next up: designing better birth control.

The Devil Leaves!

 I was tempted by the devil, in 2019. Afterwards, he did not leave.

Ever since, the devil has made me want to drink alcohol. Has he done more than that, I’m not sure... he may have contributed to other negative impulses, such as anger or suicide.

To get rid of the devil, I had to vow not to drink anymore. I don’t mean literally, not one taste ever again, ever... I mean, just get rid of that intention. The entire time I have been in here, I have intended to get drunk again, gotten excited thinking of having another drink,

Betcha I can stop drinking cold turkey, without therapy or counseling! Betcha! Betcha!

Because when I make decisions, I make them with focused intention. And when I mean something, I mean it full force.

And what I mean is, alcohol and the intention to drink, is actually holding me back from enlightenment... Meaning, to further my spiritual development, it is time to quit drugs and alcohol. Have to be clean edge, clear of mind, clear of body, clear of soul.

I had to cast out the pesky devil, who has been keeping me company with subconscious humor, but draining my resources, making me feel incomplete without booze... Begone! No booze!

No marijuana!

He latched onto anger, trying to make me fucking pissed with the psychiatrist.

No, live and let live! He’s not causing me problems!

Well, kill yourself.

No, I have to fulfill my spiritual destiny!

Anger, rage, cravings, hatred, self-loathing, beer, beer, beer....

Ahhh!!!!!!

I felt drained, curled up, needing love.... detach from desire for love. Detach from desire for recognition, appreciation, companionship, beauty...

Just be.

And, he’s gone. Must heal the energy, from where the devil was draining me.

Feeling healthy and positive, I am healing from the devil’s burdensome influence.

God will light the way.