Innercept: A Culture of Rule-Breaking

So I would like to take a moment to blame Innercept for my problems.

My parents complain to me, hey, Rachel! You steal from us now! You lie to us!

I think this is the fault of Innercept. My parents clearly don't know what it's like to be at Innercept. When you are at Innercept, you are immersed in the rich Innercept culture.

What happens is, they have so many fucking stupid rules. Oh, you can only eat one piece of fruit between meals. All this really strict crap about serving sizes so you are hungry all the time. Oh, you have to have people peaking at you at night and maintain a strict curfew of 10 pm. You can't go to the gym for too much time per day.

So, what every resident inevitable does is say, fuck it! Fuck these rules! I will break any rule that doesn't suit me! So you are sneaking money, you are going behind Innercept's back, you are doing anything you possibly can to get around all these stupid fucking rules of these stupid fucking control freaks at Innercept.

For some residents, it becomes like a contest. How many rules can you break? What can you get away with?

So I come home from Innercept, and I am still in the Innercept mindset. Hey, what can I get away with at home? It's subconscious. On top of that is the anger, the anger that my parents put me in this place for four and a half years, which was supposed to do fucking something, instead the first thing I do immediately after I come out is GO DELUSIONAL AGAIN!!!!

And then I find out this drug I've been on Depakote is responsible for my hair loss and lack of creative thinking. They didn't inform me of all the side effects. If I knew it made your hair fall out, I would have been like, NO FUCKING WAY AM I TAKING THAT SHIT!!!

I actually started to go delusional again when I was still at Innercept, while I was still on all the drugs.

So I blame all my bad actions on the Innercept culture.

Brain Damage and Thinking on Repeat

So I haven't blogged in awhile the thing I wanted to talk about is about how I HAVE BRAIN DAMAGE.

It's being corrected through neurofeedback, the zapping of the brain with electrodes. This isn't electroshock therapy or anything like that, this is helpful not harmful.

When I listen to my iPod, I like to listen to the same song on repeat over and over again. When I think thoughts in my head, I (used to) think the same thoughts over and over again.

Thoughts wouldn't get old! Funny things don't get old! I laugh at the same funny things OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

When I do this around other people, they are like, "Okay Rachel, it wasn't THAT funny."

So the neurofeedback is improving it. But thoughts are powerful! Thinking the same thought over and over again has consequences.

So I got stuck in a loop of thinking about the girl who put puke in front of my door in college, Weird Zombie Girl. "Yeah, I smirked at you. YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY!!!!!" Over and over and over and fucking over again.

So I explained this on my facebook page. I would think about this all the time, this thought on repeat. Then suddenly it was like, "Cute little itty bitty sweet young soul. Sweet young soul. Sweet young soul." Which is a reference to a time when I thought more spiritually about everything, and I thought this girl was a young soul. That thought occured to me one time.

And so I replaced the YOU WERE LOOKING AT ME FUNNY with "sweet young soul." My energy increased, and she stopped receiving my angry bad energy. It was a win/win situation!

Since that thought played on repeat, it was draining my energy as well as hitting her with bad energy constantly. So, the spirits intervened, located the place in my memory and thought that, and replaced my bad thought with a loving thought.

Thing is, I used to think of the guy I had delusions about on repeat for years and years and years and years. I would think of funny things I had told him and laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And send that energy to him. On repeat.

The question is, what effect did this have on him?

WHAT KIND OF ENERGY AM I SENDING TO PEOPLE??!?!?!?!?!? It gets multiplied when you think on repeat!!!

Anyway, the doctor said I have less repeat thinking going on in my brain now thanks to the neurofeedback.

Damnation, Hellfire, and Computer Programming

So, I wanted to discuss damnation and hellfire a little bit more.

What I am thinking is, and I am not an expert an scripture. But, it is about choice. In the Garden of Eden, Adam and Eve used their free will to CHOOSE to disobey God. They did not choose God.

This was a story that is symbolic of something else, and I am not sure exactly what that is. But to overcome it, humans have to CHOOSE God. So by accepting Jesus into your life, that is choosing God, therefore, overcoming the other choice to go against God.

Hell is something that is very rudimentary. On Earth, while alive, you can be close to God, distant from God, or anywhere in between. When dead, you are either with God or completely separated from God.

Hell is kind of like a whole other dimension. When I think of hell, I think of a game you might play on a really old computer, with really basic graphics and stuff. Because I think of hell as kind of related to computers.

One thing I have never had to do before in computer programming is reference counting. If you have a reference to a variable, you have a connection to it so that you can keep using it. The reference counter counts the number of references to the variable, and when it goes to zero, you can't use it anymore, and the memory space can be reused for something else.

So when you die, and you are not saved, the reference counter goes to zero. Except, you will never cease to exist. You go to hell, and God can't reach you because He has no reference to you.

So it's kind of like being trapped in a really miserable computer game.

I don't try to upset people by talking about hell all this time. I am not intolerant of anyone's beliefs I just had an experience where I became convinced that you needed to accept Jesus to avoid hell.

Brain Shifting

So I realize, that when all this stuff happened last month, I suddenly got way more self-confident.

I feel like this is a position that everyone is trying to push me out of. They are trying to push me back to the place I was when I was not self-confident.

I don't know how much more self-confident I really am, but I know I can feel it in the way I walk. Or at least, I could for awhile. I would carry myself differently, like I was lighter, and I could move around with more ease.

So I can go up and talk to people. Like, I have no problem at all, at least when I was at the psych ward. Maybe the psych ward was different. I talked to emo kids about being emo.

For awhile anyway, I felt like I could think better. I see the world differently. It is kind of like this grid, and objects form a place on this grid but it is not necessarily right along the grid lines. The grid lines represents the ideal. I imagine a grid with a bunch of x's all over it.

I lost a little bit of self-confidence actually because I gained a little bit of weight. Not a whole lot just a little bit.

One thing people don't take into account is the intricate emotional needs of the individual. Because emotional needs are really intricate. Everything about the individual has an emotional effect on the individual.

My family didn't understand why having a guardianship would have an emotional effect on me. Yeah, like taking away my rights as an adult has no emotional effect on me.

People like to be seen as attractive and intelligent. Which seem like nice things to be but they aren't what really matters. What really matters is your ability to see other people as humans. What really matters is kindness and having a heart.

But anyway, I feel like my brain suddenly became more powerful.

More on the Mind of God

The problem was, thinking with the mind of God proved to be an issue. I would put my hand over my mouth and whisper something snarky to myself:

"Woah! We are Beev and F. Meeke! We don't know about withdrawal effects."

Beev and F. Meeke is what I call my mom and dad.

This was a change in my personality. I thought it was a welcome change. But they didn't. They were trying to medicate me to make it go away.

Because what's funny to my God, is making fun of people's intelligences. In an affectionate way.

Like, I wrote on my sister's wall, saying that the reason she thinks people are so ugly when she goes out in public is because she sits around and looks at pictures of beautiful people all the time, and beauty is just an average of all the faces she's seen.

Beev said that didn't make sense. It made more sense that Kristen was just weird. "That made waaaaaaaaaaaayy more sense to Beev."

I act a certain really weird way when I talk to myself like this. Anyway, so they didn't like the personality change. And tried to fix it with medication.

I told my parents that there is no way I am going to stop talking to myself. It's a little glitch in the way I am that has been hardwired in so hard it would be impossible to get me to stop.

Thinking With the Mind of God

So I recently had another "whatever the fuck that was" experience. It was actually quite pleasant, when I wasn't getting grief from my parents.

So what I have learned is just to take the beliefs as they come. My beliefs about what is going on are changing. All that matters is that I don't lose faith in myself. Everything will be okay as long as I never stop believing in myself. I just have to be open to the fact that I have a lot of beliefs that are most likely not true. When one gets disproven, accept it and don't let that make myself stop believing in myself.

At this point I don't want to get into the details of what happened. But, basically, I imagined a bunch of shit, then I started arguing with my parents.

More and more frequently, I start thinking with the mind of God. At least, this is how I interpret it. The energy kind of goes up and out of my head and I start laughing about something on Earth that doesn't logically make sense.

Back a couple months ago, when I was thinking with the mind of God, I was thinking about how people missed the point with Jesus, they were just in awe of how great he was.

The point was there is really nothing wrong with comparing yourself to Jesus, what's wrong is hatred.

So I started hearing all these thoughts in my head, people saying mean things and people saying nice things. I felt the vibration of each thought. Mean comments had this nasty unharmonious noisy ring. Nice things had nice energy.

So one of the things was, Jesus was a great guy, but even He wouldn't go to hell. And by hell I mean a hell that is eternal. Jesus is willing to suffer but He wouldn't even go to hell.

But a lot of humans do go to hell. So in a way, those humans were a lot better than Jesus was!

No sentient being would willingly knowingly experience that kind of agony.

So in my room, I was whispering to myself over and over and laughing, "those people were a lot better than Jesus was!"

The major theme of this particular episode was people thinking for themselves. At the hospital, I picked up a Rush Limbaugh book, because I realized I don't know anything about him. I started reading, and I wrote down a quote from him because I thought it was so true. It was something like, "I'm convinced that most people don't really think, though they believe they do."

I had a lot of arguments, and I kept running into the fact that we were talking but not really communicating. So I started really making sure we communicated, but people got mad. They got mad at me for asking them what they meant by things. Why they thought things.

I was writing a lot of facebook statuses when I was arguing, trying to illustrate that the way they were thinking was incorrect.

But the thing I was thinking was, only intelligent people appreciate really intelligent things. So I was thinking that some of the stuff I imagined when I was delusional, it only makes sense to intelligent people.

And other people aren't going to understand stuff that comes from the mind of God.

I imagined that a lot of my facebook statuses were this way. They were only funny to people who are intelligent, and stupid to people who are unintelligent.

God created humans with the capability of thinking for themselves. However, most of them don't. Humans were actually, in a way, made way to stupid and not intelligent enough to understand God. But God didn't fully understand humans when he first made them, and when writing the bible.

One of things I was thinking was that God didn't hate Esau. He just meant he didn't like him as much as Jacob.

Punishment

So, I wanted to write about something I was writing about at the hospital. The concept of punishment, and how it relates to hell.

What is the purpose of punishment? Some people do not understand the purpose of punishment. The true purpose of punishment is to CORRECT BEHAVIOR. So, your kid gets in a fight with his brother, or something. You punish him. Is it because he DESERVES TO SUFFER? No. You are trying to teach your child.

That is the whole purpose of negative feelings that happen on purpose. The purpose is to teach.

So is hell a punishment? Well, hell is eternal and there is no coming back from hell, so there is no way for people to learn from their bad behavior and make it better. So it is not a punishment.

Why do we send people to prison? There are two reasons we send people to prison. One is to correct behavior. The other is because they are a menace to society and they need to be removed. It is not to make them suffer. It is to remove them from society.

The only time people deserve pain is if it's going to help them learn.

So anyway, what I am trying to say is, souls that are sent to hell on purpose, they are like prisoners who  need to be removed from society. These souls are a menace to other souls so they need to be cast out. Because these souls are dangerous and threaten the well-being of other souls.

And that's how things are.